Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Monday, July 20, 2009

Partners of Victims with Erectile Dysfunction (a/k/a Pee'VED) Monologue

I have no idea when I might get to perform this monologue, but I love it, so I'm posting it:

by Sarah Maizes

"Everybody...if you could please take your seats, we're ready to begin...

Hello. I'm Casey Weinstock and I'm your facilitator for this evening. I want to welcome all of you to Temple B'nai Shalom's Support group for Partners of Victims of Erectile Dysfunction - or "PeeVED."

I've been Pee'VED now for 5 years. As you all know too well, Erectile Dysfunction affects both parties eating away at the core of relationships and feeding on the self-esteem of our men. I am here to tell you that even though you're all Pee'VED, this monster of a disorder doesn't have to suck the marrow out of your marriages - sorry Gary (to the back of the room), "Partnership". Since Bob and I first encountered this "problem" our marriage has undergone a profound sea change. Now, we have a relationship that is even more satisfying and enjoyable than the one we had when we used to "schtup like bunnies."

Now Bob and I ask each other "How as your day?" rather than - "I wonder if that egg-beater will fit in there." We'll exchange meaningful glances, rather than bodily fluids. And now, my beloved Bob will comfort me with big warm hugs I can feel all day, rather than mindless, hardcore sex.

I am here to tell you that when you take intercourse out of the equation, you can actually free yourselves of the bonds of sex...Those unyielding chains that capture you...hold a prisoner (looking off thoughtfully as if in another place and time)...and leave you totally and utterly in the hands of someone who might complete take advantage of you for no other purpose than their own pleasure (suddenly aware of the room)...achem...

No, Erectile Dysfunction doesn't have to the end of your relationship. In fact, it can be an opportunity for the beginning of a new, more reflective relationship with your significant other. This is your chance to get intellectually closer. For example, instead of flipping through our Kama Sutra playing deck for more rigorous and complex poses - positions where we couldn't even see each others' faces - we've not taken up Scrabble! Facing off "Intellectually" on a nightly basis - sometimes twice on Saturdays. This "Mental" intercourse has helped us achieve a deeper understanding of each other.

No, you don't need sex to be fulfilled! There are lots of titillating and stimulating diversions to be enjoyed! (She pulls out a macrame bunny finger puppet from her bag). See this Macrame Bunny finger puppet? Look at the detail. He even has little pink featuers and a hand-fluffed tail! The kids love 'em! I've made 263 of these. (As an aside) By the way, I'll be selling these at the Temple's Hanukkah gift boutique next week, so come early and bring your checkbook.

I've even found the time to take up model making. I don't want to brag, but I have recreated in 1:18th scale, a replica of downtown New York on my living room floor. Complete with a harbor and miniature Staute of Liberty built entirely out of toothpicks and Cheerios.

The truth is, I have never felt so vital! And you can too! Erectile Dysfunction does not have to leave a big gaping hole in your relationship! This is a chance to reconnect with your loved one! To achieve a renewed sense of comfort, intimacy and joie de vive!

Thanks again to all of you for coming tonight. Once again, I'm Casey Weinstock, and I'm PeeVED!"

2009 Copyright by Sarah Maizes.

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