Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Clever Girl

Last night I was reading through some of my old posts from when I started this "joint." 

It took me down memory lane and made me realize how much I love blogging - and how thankful I am to have Mommy Lite.  It helps me document how my kids have grown, archives all those little moments I know my tiny brain can't hold, and reminds me how GRATEFUL I am to not have wipe anyone's butt anymore.

"Clever Girl"

Maaaa! MAAAAAAAA!  Come heeeeeeeeere!

I know Livi's calling me from the bathroom, but I don't feel like getting up.  Even after three calls.


I anticipate why she's calling me and yell "Wipe your own butt! (beat)...Honey!" from the kitchen table where I am finally sitting after 10 hours of holiday cooking and cleaning, and enjoying a glass of wine.  I tell myself that this yelled suggestion is more "lovingly helpful" than selfish.  I mean, she needs to know how to wipe her own butt, right?  And, I did add "Honey" know, so she knew I cared.

I take a sip of my wine and try to fully absorb this tiny moment of peace.   I think to myself, I just need  5 minutes...


"WIPE YOUR OWN BUTT!"  Okay, that wasn't quite as sweet, but I just sat down. 

"There's something really weeeeeeeeirrrrd!"

Now those are four words you don't want to hear a child saying from behind a bathroom door, so I am compelled by duty...and see what's up.  Grudgingly I leave my comfortable seat and a glass of pinot noir to see what truly qualifies as "weird" to a 6 year old.  This had better be good.

Sure enough...

I open the door of the bathroom to find my youngest tipped all the way over on the toilet, butt firmly planted but head almost touching the ground and she's pointing to a little plastic empty tampon case that must have rolled out of the trash and behind the toilet.

I suppose to her, a tampon is weird.   What's weird to me is that she even found the tampon at all.  Why was she upside down on the toilet in the first place?

"What's that?" she points from her half-upside down position.

"That's trash."  I am relieved that the "weirdness" of which she spoke was not bodily related and I kneel behind the toilet and throw away the curious object, hoping it doesn't lead to a bigger conversation.  I'm just not in the mood.  But nothing gets by Livi.  She's a clever girl who plans, plots and questions everything so I anticipate a barrage of questions about the tampon and it's origins.


Phew...that was easy.  "Anything else?"


"You good here?"


"Okay then.  I'm going to go finish cleaning up."

"Ok.  Oh, Mom?"


"Before you go, can you wipe my butt?"

Clever girl indeed.


  1. oh, she's good.......
    now, can you come on over here?? Something weird is in MY bathroom....

  2. That's too funny!! LOL
    I remember those days all too well.

  3. I thought the "wipe my butt" was just a boy thing. I could tell you stories-but I won't. (A glass of wine would be nice right now...)

  4. Funny, my daughter does the same thing...glad to know its not just me. lol
    And I will take a glass of wine too please. I wrote 2000 words today and would really like a bit of praise. Do I have to mention there's something weird in my bathroom?

  5. Livi is soooooo smart. She knows how to get Mom's attention. Well, I'm on my third generation of butt wiping. Only four or five more years - unless the grandchildren decide to bless me with more babies to love. I hope you have a glass of wine left for me.

  6. Ha! I thought those days were gone, but now I'm wiping grandma's butt. Sigh. She's less clever though, she just yells, "I'm ready!"

    I so want to reply, "I'm not".

    Sending you joyous holiday greetings!

    PS Oh the irony, my captcha was "colon"

  7. Oh thank God I'm done with the wiping!, unfortunately I've been asked to come in every so often to check the color. My son is a hypochondriac so he questions every ache, itch, spot and yes even the color of his stool, to make sure he isn't dying. Sometimes I'd rather wipe! Now my daughter sounds like yours. She knows how to work you. But for mine it's pure laziness! Yep my daughter decides if she is gonna wipe or not. I always call her on it and she is shocked that I know she didn't wipe. I don't let on but hello skid marks! Some days I just wanna run and never return, wanna come?



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