I found my husband in the shower yesterday. This wouldn't be strange if we weren't divorced. Well, almost divorced. (you see, it's complicated...there's the health insurance issue, and the economy, and...never mind, I digress...)
My "Ex" came over to my house last night to see the kids and I busied myself with writing so he could be alone with them.
Nature called so I went to the bathroom. The door was shut and the shower was on. I opened the unlocked door and saw my "Ex" sudsing away in my shower. Happy as a clam.
For a single brief moment, there was a complete normalcy about it. After all, we'd been together for 15 years. This was a familiar scene. Kind of. But then I realized that I was in my house, and he was in my bathroom and he was rubbing MY $40/bottle Shu Uemora shampoo all over his head while eliminating cellulite with my Bliss Seaweed Soap.
And I was pissed.
"What are you doing?!" I practically gagged out.
"Der! I see that! Why are you doing it here?" I felt so violated. This was shower rape.
He shrugged and mumbled something about Izzy saying he needed one. I would have bought this had I not heard the "tap, tap, tapping" of my boyfriend's razor against the tile wall (yes, he was using Scott's razor). My ex doesn't shave unless he's going to work...or going on a date.
His cover was blown as I realized what was happening here. He wasn't just randomly invading my shower, he was primping for a date...at my house.
Then I surprised myself. I wasn't angry anymore. At least not really angry. I wasn't happy I would have to scour the entire shower again. It was, however, very strange for me. I had seen him primp for dates before, but they had never been with another woman. I thought about how lucky this woman was to be getting such a good-looking, freshly turned out man who smelled of expensive shampoo and seaweed soap. And I smiled. I figured she had a pretty good night ahead of her.
So, if this woman is reading this post, I hope you had a good time, got some lovely flowers, and enjoyed the scent of my ex-husband (okay, still husband...I have got to do that paperwork...). My "Ex" put a lot of energy into impressing you.
But maybe, for his birthday this year, you could buy him some expensive shampoo and good soap to keep at his place.