Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Moms...

This has been a crazy week trying to deliver for my agent so she doesn't catch on that I'm a total idiot (at least not yet...) and I've started writing at least 4 posts, but they're not ready yet.

So to keep you entertained, I thought I'd post one of my favorite stories which I posted WAAAAYYYYY back when - before most of ever even heard of Mommy Lite.  

This is a true story and the names have not been changed as I have no interest or inclination to protect anyone's privacy.  Obviously, I'll be sued one day.

"The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Moms"

"People make plans and God laughs..." A very wise girlfriend taught me this in college.

Well, I'm back from my well-planned NY vacation with my kids and I can tell you that God laughed his ass off plenty.

The "Plan":

- Week 1: NYC with all 3 kids. My "Ex" who is flying out with us would drop us at our hotel, kiss the kids goodbuye and make a plan to see them in a few days. Meanwhile, the kids and I would visit Museums, parks, friends and relatives.

- Week #2: Drop off oldest daughter at sleepaway camp (her 1st summer away - that's a post in and of itself) and settle into my relaxing cabin in Woodstock with the twins. Boyfriend would come to visit for a week. We'd have lots of sex and maybe play a little Scrabble.

- Week #3: Twins would enjoy daycamp in Woodstock and I would finish the book proposal for my second book.

- Week #4 - The twins and I would go visit "Grahamcrackers" (their grandmother on my side) in the Hamptons where they'd pick berries, pet ponies and harass her dog.

- End of Week #5 I would pick up my daughter at camp and return to LA where we would all collapse in smiles and relief on our sofa.


- Week #1 (Day 1): We arrive at our hotel in NYC and "ex" joins is and makes camp on the sofa in our suite. At 1am, my son throws up. Housekeeping is not happy when we call them. We spend the next day watching On Demand in our hotel room and soaking smelly clothes in the mini-bar sink.

- Week #1 (Days 2-5): We get Lice. We spend every day of our NYC trip at Hair Fairies in Hell's Kitchen. Housekeeping curses us further when we request that our room be "turned" every day due to the "infestation." Stuck inour small room in rainy NY, Nintendo DSi is my children's best friend. My "ex," however, is not mine.

- Week #2 (Day 1): Leave for Woodstock. "Ex" unexpectedly joins are thrilled. I am not. We don't have enough beds and my "ex" sleeps on the porch.

Week #2 (Day 3): Boyfriend visits! "Ex" still there. No sex. Well, not between me and my boyfriend anyway...but I notice my "ex" and boyfriend seem to watch a lot of tv together.

Week #2 (Day 4): "Ex" leaves. AAaaaahhhhhh. Children cry. I rejoice with a small bottle of vodka I nabbed on the plane. I put the moves on my man who complains of stomach pain.

Week #2 (Day 5): "Ex" picks up twins for 2 days so boyfriend and I can have a little alone time. Wee-Hoo! Surely now...

Week #2 (Day 6): My boyfriend is diagnosed with a raging case of Diveriticulitis. Or at least that's what they tell us after 10 hours in the ER of Kingston Hospital. He convalesces on my couch in Woodstock for the next few days. No Scrabble, but I let him beat me in a game of "Spit". It seems to raise his spirits.

Week #3 (Day 2): Boyfriend goes home and takes all chances for sex and Scrabble with him.

Week #3 (Day 2...Evening): I see a mouse in my kitchen. He eats my banana. And my english muffin. I cry.


Week #4: I throw all care and caution to the wind. I pack up the house in Woodstock and head out to my mother's house in the Hamptons without a plan, a plot or even a scheduled meal. I even made an unexpected trip back into the city where we make it to the museum, Hayden Planetarium, Serendipity, Dylan's Candy Bar, AND the boathouse in Central Park.

We had NO plans and NO problems!

Even my "Ex" who was still in town, shows up at my doorstep and is WONDERFUL! Spontaneously, he takes the twins for the night and I get to eat out by myself and see a movie! It is heaven!

I pick up my oldest daughter at camp with NO expectations, only to find that my child (the one with Asperger's Syndrome) made FRIENDS at camp. And not just a few! A LOT of friends!!!!! AND she was crying when she said goodbye! I cried too.

When I got home, I was greeted by my AMAZING (and finally healthy) boyfriend who had surprisngly cleaned the house and put out fresh roses for me upon my return.

Then, I got laid.

Oh, you can bet I was listening...hard! But I didn't hear God snicker even once.

While I am now, more than ever, completely sold on the fact that my friend's wisdom is correct, I DO note that it is incomplete. So, with all respect to my Yiddish elders, I am editing your wisdom.

My new motto?

"People make plans and God laughs. So stop making plans and he'll stop laughing at you."


  1. At least you got laid. That is what is most important!:)

  2. Cracking up! That is probably funnier than the "booty" trapped toilet post. I'm glad everything worked out :-)


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