Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...



Friday, July 31, 2009

"The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Moms..."

"People make plans and God laughs..." A very wise girlfriend taught me this in college.

Well, I'm back from my well-planned NY vacation with my kids and I can tell you that God laughed his ass off plenty.

The "Plan":

- Week 1: NYC with all 3 kids. My "Ex" who is flying out with us would drop us at our hotel, kiss the kids goodbuye and make a plan to see them in a few days. Meanwhile, the kids and I would visit Museums, parks, friends and relatives.

- Week #2: Drop off oldest daughter at sleepaway camp (her 1st summer away - that's a post in and of itself) and settle into my relaxing cabin in Woodstock with the twins. Boyfriend would come to visit for a week. We'd have lots of sex and maybe play a little Scrabble.

- Week #3: Twins would enjoy daycamp in Woodstock and I would finish the book proposal for my second book.

- Week #4 - The twins and I would go visit "Grahamcrackers" (their grandmother on my side) in the Hamptons where they'd pick berries, pet ponies and harass her dog.

- End of Week #5 I would pick up my daughter at camp and return to LA where we would all collapse in smiles and relief on our sofa.

WHY GOD IS LAUGHING:

- Week #1 (Day 1): We arrive at our hotel in NYC and "ex" joins is and makes camp on the sofa in our suite. At 1am, my son throws up. Housekeeping is not happy when we call them. We spend the next day watching On Demand in our hotel room and soaking smelly clothes in the mini-bar sink.

- Week #1 (Days 2-5): We get Lice. We spend every day of our NYC trip at Hair Fairies in Hell's Kitchen. Housekeeping curses us further when we request that our room be "turned" every day due to the "infestation." Stuck inour small room in rainy NY, Nintendo DSi is my children's best friend. My "ex," however, is not mine.

- Week #2 (Day 1): Leave for Woodstock. "Ex" unexpectedly joins us...kids are thrilled. I am not. We don't have enough beds and my "ex" sleeps on the porch.

Week #2 (Day 3): Boyfriend visits! "Ex" still there. No sex. Well, not between me and my boyfriend anyway...but I notice my "ex" and boyfriend seem to watch a lot of tv together.

Week #2 (Day 4): "Ex" leaves. AAaaaahhhhhh. Children cry. I rejoice with a small bottle of vodka I nabbed on the plane. I put the moves on my man who complains of stomach pain.

Week #2 (Day 5): "Ex" picks up twins for 2 days so boyfriend and I can have a little alone time. Wee-Hoo! Surely now...

Week #2 (Day 6): My boyfriend is diagnosed with a raging case of Diveriticulitis. Or at least that's what they tell us after 10 hours in the ER of Kingston Hospital. He convalesces on my couch in Woodstock for the next few days. No Scrabble, but I let him beat me in a game of "Spit". It seems to raise his spirits.

Week #3 (Day 2): Boyfriend goes home and takes all chances for sex and Scrabble with him.

Week #3 (Day 2...Evening): I see a mouse in my kitchen. He eats my banana. And my english muffin. I cry.

MY NEW "PLAN":

Week #4: I throw all care and caution to the wind. I pack up the house in Woodstock and head out to my mother's house in the Hamptons without a plan, a plot or even a scheduled meal. I even made an unexpected trip back into the city where we make it to the museum, Hayden Planetarium, Serendipity, Dylan's Candy Bar, AND the boathouse in Central Park.

We had NO plans and NO problems!

Even my "Ex" who was still in town, shows up at my doorstep and is WONDERFUL! Spontaneously, he takes the twins for the night and I get to eat out by myself and see a movie! It is heaven!

I pick up my oldest daughter at camp with NO expectations, only to find that my child (the one with Asperger's Syndrome) made FRIENDS at camp. And not just a few! A LOT of friends!!!!! AND she was crying when she said goodbye! I cried too.

When I got home, I was greeted by my AMAZING (and finally healthy) boyfriend who had surprisngly cleaned the house and put out fresh roses for me upon my return.

Then, I got laid.

Oh, you can bet I was listening...hard! But I didn't hear God snicker even once.

While I am now, more than ever, completely sold on the fact that my friend's wisdom is correct, I DO note that it is incomplete. So, with all respect to my Yiddish elders, I am editing your wisdom.

My new motto?

"People make plans and God laughs. So stop making plans and he'll stop laughing at you."

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Kid Logic...

My boyfriend babysat for my kids last night so I could go to a rehearsal.

Apparently, before dinner he went into the playroom to ask "who wants to help set the table?" Shockingly, no one jumped to help.

After he set up and called them to dinner, he mentioned to them "You know...if someone had come to help me, they might have gotten a special treat."

Livi, said "You didn't tell us! That's not fair!"

"Of course I didn't." Scott said. "The point is that if you do something nice, maybe someone will do something nice for you."

Livi thought long and hard about this.

At bedtime, she approached Scott with 2 pictures. One of a smiley face and one of a frowny face. She said "You're going to jail if you get the sad face. You get a happy Livi if you get the smiley face. Which one do you think you're going to get?"

He said "The smiley face."

"No."

"Why?"

"If you don't do something nice for someone...someone isn't going to be nice to you."

I guess the knife cuts both ways.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

The $5,000 Firefly...

Airfare for 5 to Grammy's: $2,500
Car Rental for a month: $2,500
Catching a free bug in your hand: Priceless

If spider butts lit up, I wouldn't need the Wii...


video

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Wind 'em up and watch 'em go!

We're on the final leg of our whirlwind NY tour and we went to Serendipity so that I could further encourage their poor eating habits. We followed up our lunch of frozen hot chocolates, hotdogs and a hotfudge/caramel sundae with a trip to Dylan's Candy Bar.

Then I handed the children over to their Grandparents. :)

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Bunny Song...

Out in Westhampton at "Gramcracker's" (my mom) and there are bunnies everywhere. My 6 yr old girl wrote this little ditty in the car on the way to get some bagels:

Bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny
Bunny, bunny, bun...
Might have rabies...
We don't know...
Bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bun...

Download it on iTunes today and get her single "Scratchin' don't make the itch go 'way" for free.

Crap/s

We chased fireflies tonight. One landed on my son's eye. He thought it was hilarious. Then I refused to kill a moth on his wall and he screamed. Every night is an emotional craps game and I'm losing big.

Partners of Victims with Erectile Dysfunction (a/k/a Pee'VED) Monologue

I have no idea when I might get to perform this monologue, but I love it, so I'm posting it:

Pee'VED
by Sarah Maizes

"Everybody...if you could please take your seats, we're ready to begin...

Hello. I'm Casey Weinstock and I'm your facilitator for this evening. I want to welcome all of you to Temple B'nai Shalom's Support group for Partners of Victims of Erectile Dysfunction - or "PeeVED."

I've been Pee'VED now for 5 years. As you all know too well, Erectile Dysfunction affects both parties eating away at the core of relationships and feeding on the self-esteem of our men. I am here to tell you that even though you're all Pee'VED, this monster of a disorder doesn't have to suck the marrow out of your marriages - sorry Gary (to the back of the room), "Partnership". Since Bob and I first encountered this "problem" our marriage has undergone a profound sea change. Now, we have a relationship that is even more satisfying and enjoyable than the one we had when we used to "schtup like bunnies."

Now Bob and I ask each other "How as your day?" rather than - "I wonder if that egg-beater will fit in there." We'll exchange meaningful glances, rather than bodily fluids. And now, my beloved Bob will comfort me with big warm hugs I can feel all day, rather than mindless, hardcore sex.

I am here to tell you that when you take intercourse out of the equation, you can actually free yourselves of the bonds of sex...Those unyielding chains that capture you...hold you...like a prisoner (looking off thoughtfully as if in another place and time)...and leave you totally and utterly in the hands of someone who might complete take advantage of you for no other purpose than their own pleasure (suddenly aware of the room)...achem...

No, Erectile Dysfunction doesn't have to the end of your relationship. In fact, it can be an opportunity for the beginning of a new, more reflective relationship with your significant other. This is your chance to get intellectually closer. For example, instead of flipping through our Kama Sutra playing deck for more rigorous and complex poses - positions where we couldn't even see each others' faces - we've not taken up Scrabble! Facing off "Intellectually" on a nightly basis - sometimes twice on Saturdays. This "Mental" intercourse has helped us achieve a deeper understanding of each other.

No, you don't need sex to be fulfilled! There are lots of titillating and stimulating diversions to be enjoyed! (She pulls out a macrame bunny finger puppet from her bag). See this Macrame Bunny finger puppet? Look at the detail. He even has little pink featuers and a hand-fluffed tail! The kids love 'em! I've made 263 of these. (As an aside) By the way, I'll be selling these at the Temple's Hanukkah gift boutique next week, so come early and bring your checkbook.

I've even found the time to take up model making. I don't want to brag, but I have recreated in 1:18th scale, a replica of downtown New York on my living room floor. Complete with a harbor and miniature Staute of Liberty built entirely out of toothpicks and Cheerios.

The truth is, I have never felt so vital! And you can too! Erectile Dysfunction does not have to leave a big gaping hole in your relationship! This is a chance to reconnect with your loved one! To achieve a renewed sense of comfort, intimacy and joie de vive!

Thanks again to all of you for coming tonight. Once again, I'm Casey Weinstock, and I'm PeeVED!"

2009 Copyright by Sarah Maizes.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

In The News...(And other items that could quite possibly be true...)


“Kindergarten Parents Say Guinea Pig’s “Footprint” is Too Big!”

By Sarah Maizes

LOS ANGELES; Kindergarteners at Crescent Street elementary won’t be attending class next Monday and it isn’t because of budget cuts. They’re hitting the picket line.

The parents are up in arms over their teacher’s new classroom pet, Taco, a tan and white short-haired guinea pig she bought at Petco, and they are encouraging their children to boycott in protest.

In a Back-To-School night held last week, Julia Pace, a kindergarten parent, learned of Taco's origins during a routine parent/teacher conference. “When I asked Miss Brown where she got it, I was shocked. He wasn’t organic or anything.”

Another parent who wouldn’t use their name was quoted as saying “Taco is a by-product of a greedy corporate structure designed to peddle as many small furry animals to our community as possible with complete disregard for our planet.”

When asked for comment Miss Brown gave a confused shrugged. “He was cute.”

Mrs. Pace, the class mom, sent a blast e-mail to other parents urging them to keep their children home from school until a more suitable guinea pig is found. “Hopefully one that’s free-range.”

“When we found out Taco was from a regular pet store, we were appalled” said another tike’s mother. “In an age where we are trying to teach our children to be “green” and sympathetic, do we want our children to endorse mill-raised classroom pets? How could LAUSD let this happen?” Many parents, concerned about the message the guinea pig sent, were quick to hop on board.

But not all students are in agreement with their parents. In an interview with a potential striker during recess, the child divulged “I just want to pet the piggy.”

Petco is a popular source for classroom pets, their well-stocked cubicles of guinea pigs, gerbils, hamsters appealing to school teachers and families alike. But recently, parents have expressed their concerns over Petco’s lack of “greenness” and this has parents and local environmentalists alike, up in arms.

The major concerns behind the sales of small mammals to classrooms stretch far beyond the moral. According to P.O.O.P. (Pals Of Organic Piggies), the environmental ramifications are catastrophic. “When you put a lot of pigs together in a hutch and they have nowhere else to go and nothing else to do…well, you do the math. And more piggie babies means more piggie poop and that stuff piles up right quick. These big chains there, they just scoop it all up and toss it out the window.” said Edward Skywith, owner of Parsley Springs, a sustainable organic guinea pig farm where the cavies are “hand-raised.” “Hand-raised means, free-range piggies raised on fresh organic parsley, breastmilk, and good old-fashioned country music. They love it.” “Our piggies roam free and their poop comes right back home to mother earth. Our piggies, fertilize our whole farm. Heck, you should see our cauliflower!”

A representative from Petco had no comment, but mentioned an upcoming sale on goldfish.

The families of Crescent Street School aren’t the first ones to have faced this issue. In fact, the ever-raising level of environmental consciousness among parents and teachers has caused a rise in sales of organic free-range guinea pigs.

At the Smith School, a private school in nearby Beverly Hills, the students and PTA have made tremendous strides in the “greening” of classroom pets. Miss Paley, a 1st grade teacher proudly showed off “Fern”, a guinea pig from a sustainable guinea pig farm in nearby Camarillo. “Fern” is an organic free-range guinea pig. “Sure we paid a bit more for her, but her carbon footprint is really small.”

So, my son says "Mommy, Mommy? I have a big bone in my private parts and it's bothering me." I had to ask "Uh, where is the bone?" He said "My butt" and he pointed to the side of his right butt cheek. Clearly it was a sitzbone issue. Whew. I wasn't prepared for the other.
I just got a list of "needs" from my daughter who is at camp for exactly 10 more days. She wants "Shampoo, a rug, a DS, a riding helmet, and a chair." When I was little I got cheese in a can. Times are a-changin'.

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