Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

No More Pull-Ups?

If you've read Mommy Lite more than once, I bet you saw the title of this blog and wondered, "aren't her little one's 6?"

The answer is "yes."  And we were still in nighttime pull-ups til last night.

My oldest was out of pull-ups by the time she was 5.  She had dry pull-ups for about a week, I said "Want to sleep in big-girl underwear?!" and we never looked back.  There was the occasional accident, but for the most part, it was a success.

It wasn't so easy with the twins.  My son wakes up every morning with a loaded pull-up and my daughter slept too soundly to wake up.  I kept waiting for Ben to show signs that his body was ready.  Ben was born with an "unspecified neurological disorder" that affects how he interprets the signals from his body.  You wouldn't notice this immediately upon meeting him, but after being with us for a bit you might feel compelled to say "Um, Sarah, your son is a total klutz."  I would reply, "I know."

I thought he might need more time, but by God, he's almost 7!  I wondered if I was going too soft on him.  Sometimes, when you have a kid with a "difficulty" you give them too much leeway - leeway they don't really need, and we stand in their way.

As for Livi, she snoozes like she's in a "Sleeping Beauty" coma.  You can poke, prod and shake and she'll just give you a honkin' snore in response.  Her adnoids are huge.

I've been making excuses for them for the past two years.  But maybe it's my fault.  Maybe I'm overwhelmed by the insurmountable task of possibly having to change  sheets on TWO beds in the middle of the night.  Or maybe I have an intense fear of having to be up every couple of hours to take TWO kids to the bathroom (I do love my sleep...).  Maybe I'm just lazy.  The truth is, it's probably a combination of all three.

But last night, with my nanny, my boyfriend, and all of polite society nudging me ever so nicely to "get them the h*ll out of pull-ups before they go to college!" I bit the bullet and they went to bed in underwear.  They were excited and dehydrated (I just "cut off" their water after dinner time), so I was thinking we could have success.

This morning...TA-DA!  Livi was totally dry! 

Ben ALMOST made it all night.  He was close but, according to him,  "When I woke up, pee just flew out of my weenis!"

Do you think Huggies makes a cork for that?

So close...and yet so far.

Monday, January 25, 2010

BEFORE YOU READ - VOTE FOR ME - Top Mommy Blog!!!!!

I've been nominated on (A HUGE parenting website) as a top 50 Mommy Blogger!!!

BEFORE you read my NEW POSTS below, PLEASE take FIVE SECONDS to vote for my blog.  It's EASY and you DON'T NEED TO REGISTER or give ANY INFO!!!!!

Just click: THEN type "Mommy Lite" into your "FINDER" (cntrl + f) OR (command + f).

Then JUST click "I like this blog" next to my blog name and "POOF!" You will have helped my children go to college!

Leave me a comment if you vote and I'd be happy to link over to you in my thank you note to you!!!

Wish me luck!  I could REALLY use this!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Rain, Rain Go Away...

It's been raining.  A lot.

This wouldn't be news except for the fact that in Los Angeles this is a big deal.

I grew up on the East Coast where rain is as normal as sunshine.   If it rains, you put on a rain coat, grab an umbrella, drive the kids to school and go about your day.  Business as usual.

Not so in L.A.

In L.A., you dig out the raincoat you never wear (if you have one at all), you pull on your UGGs (which will no doubt get soaked to the core - but you'll be surprised by this because you actually think these count as rain boots), and you may or may not have an umbrella (this is dependent on whether or not you belong to a Golf Club or have ever gotten one as "swag."

My son's rain boots are no where to be found.  I looked in three different shoe stores to find rain boots for him (they don't keep them well-stocked here) and spent good money on those boots knowing he'd only wear them briefly.  Darn.  So instead, he's gone to school every day this week in alternating damp sneakers. 

You wrap your kids up in the most rain resistant gear you can find (anything made with nylon or polyester qualifies in LA) and layer them up in sweatshirts for warmth.  They balk.  I tell mine "When I grew up in Philadelphia we..." I'd go on, but they've already tuned out.  They'd never survive an East Coast winter. 

Once you get the kids "ready," you run to your car like you're going to melt and drive 5 miles an hour because of the "heavy weather conditions."  You silently curse your children for getting the inside of your freshly cleaned car dirty.

The roads will be flooded.  Not because it's raining hard.  But because the people who built this city apparently never considered the possibility of rain.  The drains overflow, your gutters are gushing, and everybody complains about the awful weather, even though it's the only rain you've seen all year.

The "pretty" people hide inside, and the businesses are abandoned.  No one goes out in the rain.  Not even to buy milk.

Even the schools are deeply affected. 

A friend posted on Facebook that her kids are off from school due to a "Rain Day."  You heard me.  A "Rain" Day."  I asked her if her expensive private school is going to reimburse her for the time lost. Apparently other parents have asked this too.  They won't.

GRATEFULLY, this morning we woke up to our first day of sunshine in a week!  The kids padded outside to the playroom to play Wii ( have to go outside to get the playroom - hence it's been unused all week). 
Ahh...sweet sunshine!  I consider going for a walk. 

I go to the shoe basket to get my running sneakers and find Ben's boots.

By the time it rains again, he'll have outgrown them.

Next year, I'll just buy him more sneakers.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Michelle Roy Jewelry - DEAL ALERT!

Hi Mommy Liters -

Ever hear of Michele Roy Jewelry?  It's beautiful, stylish and I have a bunch of pieces I've collected over the years.

I was JUST alerted by inside sources that she's having an on-line sale of 75% OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!

This is not some sales pitch - she doesn't even know I'm forwarding the code - this is an incredible sale and I'm sharing it with my Mommy Lite readers as a "thank you" for reading Mommy Lite. (I can't take full advantage of it because I'm on a budget and am not trying not to buy anything that isn't, right?...and remarkably fattening). 

Every mommy deserves a little treat.  Get something for yourself to make you feel "purdy" - CHEAP!

Here is the link:  Michelle Roy

The code is SUPER75.

Go forth and buy some adorable jewelry on the cheap - for me!  Let me know at Mommy Lite what you bought so I can live vicariously through you!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Milf and Cookies

Last night, I had a living room full of Milfs ("Mothers-I'd-Like-to-F*ck"...well, not me personally...not that I wouldn't, but I don't go that way...not that there's anything wrong with "that" way...oh forget it...they were hot.).

I invited a bunch of girls over for a discussion on the topic of "Milfology: Obtaining and Maintaining Maximum F*ckability," so I could gather information for my book ("Got Milf?") which will be out in Spring 2011.

They left their wet shoes by the door, put on the fresh warm socks I laid out for them, and got cozy. I plied them with wine, cheese, dips, breads, brownies, homemade chocolate chip cookies and a big pitcher of milk. My goal? Slipping them into their comfort zone so they would open up and speak freely about being Milfs. And BOY did they!

We talked about everything from what we think makes someone a Milf and the difference between being a Milf vs. a why we hate carpooling other people's kids and how we work sex into our schedules. We even shared "techniques". It was good stuff.

These women were definitely Milfs. Confident, open and FUNNY (although there was a heated debate about whether or not "Funny" was a Milfy quality - I said ABSOLUTELY!! Eventually, they all conceded...)

But the one thing that made these women truly Milfy to me was they ALL came out to help me. It was pouring rain, they all had kids at home (and someone watching least I think so...), it was a big drive for some of them, AND it was a school night. (and a big shout-out to the Milfs I know wanted to be here but couldn't! They filled out a LONG questionnaire when they should have been doing their kids' homework.)

But these ladies came. They came in the rain. They came for me. Helping a friend and fellow mom who needed a push. My book delivery deadline scares the crap out of me and I was frozen. These women came and helped "thaw" me out creatively.

Now if that isn't hot...I don't know what is.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Closing Night

Last night was closing night for "Expressing Motherhood".

Some people will remember the show as 6 nights of 15 monologues expressing the many different facets of motherhood.

But me?

I'll remember it as:
4 sold out shows, 1 standing ovation, 4 pregnant bellies,
1 birthday cake, 6 bottles of wine (...2 bottles of breastmilk), 1 huge bowl of popcorn, 4 boxes of chocolate, 15 tabloid magazines, 2 calls for lines, 1,000 bouts of laughter, and 15 remarkable women.

I am a better person for having shared this experience with you guys.  Thanks for playing with me.


(SEO File Keywords: "Expressing Motherhood"; bad mommy, parenting humor, comedy show, motherhood show, pregnancy, pregnancy stories, great mommy stories)

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Motherhood Application

I have something fun to share today.

I am currently performing in a show here in LA called, "Expressing Motherhood" and we're wrapping it up this weekend. 

Listening night after night to these amazing women, hearing their tales and thinking about what they've accomplished made me think of one of my favorite humor essays, written by Hugh Gallagher.

The actual essay he wrote was in the form of an application for college admission to NYU.  But I couldn't help but think how this essay could totally work as an entirely different piece, with entirely different meaning, if only one line were changed at the end.  If only it read..."But I have not yet been a mother."

To anyone out there who is a parent, you'll see exactly what I mean as you read on.  Enjoy.


NYU Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

Gallagher 's Essay:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller 'number nine' and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

A Tiny Guru

"Listen to your heart, don't listen to the shadows." My son said this morning over breakfast to his crabby twin sister who was picking at her belgian waffles.

I didn't think I heard him right - and I wasn't really paying attention because I was checking e-mail - but I thought my son said something that sounded incredibly deep and I was intrigued.

What did you say?

He said it again.

Where did you hear that?

No where.  I made it up.

How could I not be impressed.  It's concise and potent advice - from a 6 year old.  Obviously, he is wise beyond his years.  He gets this from my side.

If his next words weren't "poopity poop poop" I might take him more seriously.

I suppose even Gandi didn't always spout "pearls."

Friday, January 8, 2010

I Done Good!

Today I had one of those rare "good mommy" moments.  You probably don't recognize them because yours are not few and far between.

But for me, these moments stand out among the bad choices, caving to tears, and general laziness.  They are "beacons of potential".  These moments remind me that maybe I DO have what it takes to be a least sometimes.

For the 50,000th time, my son woke up early this morning and yet AGAIN, woke up his twin sister so she could keep him company.  His sister HATES being woken up.

They started fighting and I dragged myself out of bed to see what was going on.  (Okay, I wanted them to shup up so I could go back to sleep).

Livi was crying.  "BEN WOKE ME UUUP!"

Ben just stood there with his hands behind his back and sucking in his lips so his smirky smile was just a thin line across his face like in a Charlie Brown cartoon.

"Ben?  Did you wake up your sister?"

He nodded.


He nodded.

"What am I going to do with you???!"

He shrugged.

"Take away his Wii!" Livi said.  "Take away his Wii and his Nintendo!"

Normally, this would be the solution.  But something didn't feel right about it this time.  The punishment didn't seem to fit the crime.  Also, I had tried those things before and as sad as it made him, this "consequence" just didn't have the sizable impact on him I felt was needed at this time.  I wanted to be sure he didn't wake his sister in the morning any more.  She hated it.  I hated it. And he just kept doing it.

I came up with a perfect punishment.  My son HATES writing.  He's been in occupational therapy for motor skills since he was 10 months and it was his weakest area.  So, in a rare moment of lucidity as a mother, I decided to make this a "learning" opportunity.

His punishment?  To write an apology note to his sister AND write "I will not wake my sister" 50 times in a row on a piece of paper.

I know this punishment sounds really old-fashioned.  I had images of a boy in overalls and a jaunty cap writing "I will not dip pigtails in the inkwell" thousands of times on a blackboard covered one-room schoolhouse.  I kind of liked the image.

He complained all the way through.  "This is so haaaarrrrrrd!"  "My hand hurts!"  "This is never going to end!!!!" 

But it did.  And he got some great writing practice and had something concrete to show me he had learned his lesson and fulfilled his duties.  He was so proud.  So was I.

I said "Are you going to wake your sister again?"

He said "Nnoooooooooo!"

I said "Good.  Because if you do, next time you'll write it 100 times."

He looked frightened.  I don't think he'll do it again.

Yes, it was a "good mommy" moment.  I think I'll suck it up while it lasts.  I'm sure to damage them later.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Nice Touch

My boyfriend cooked breakfast for me and my kids.

Usually it's eggs and bagels.

This time he added turkey bacon to which my 6 year old said "Thanks for making breakfast, Scott.  The bacon is a nice touch."

Maybe she'll be a restaurant critic?

Monday, January 4, 2010

Dozing off...

WARNING: T.M.I. (Too Much Information) Alert!   Read at your own risk...

My vagina fell asleep.  

I'd been sitting on this 200 year old hardwood chair for hours, writing, and I began to get that tingling sensation in my butt that told me I had been sitting too still for too long.  So I got up and walked around to stretch it all out.  Sure enough I noticed that that "sleeping" sensation had spread to somewhere quite unexpected.

This was disconcerting.

I can't ever recall my vagina falling asleep before.  Not that it's always engaged in activity, but at least it never decided,"Well, nothing's going on here.  I think I'll shut down for a while."

I remember at one point toward the end of my marriage asking my Gynocologist half-jokingly if he needed to dust me off before he performed a pap smear.  I may have offered him a crowbar.  I was grateful to learn it doesn't work that way. 

Or does it?

Maybe I've been holding out on my boyfriend for too long.  The holidays are a busy time and having the kids home full time for the past few weeks certainly has put a damper on our sex life.  But I really don't think it's necessary for my vagina to decide that it's bored.  That's just rude.

It's like my vagina has no faith in me.  Like it said..."'s been three weeks since I've been put to good use.  I've been down this road before, I know the drill.  It's gonna be a while.  I think I'll just take a little snooze."

And since when does a vagina need a nap anyway?  Alright, I'm in my early 40's and get the occasional hot flash in the middle of the night, but I had convinced myself they were caused of my heavy down comforter.  Is a sleepy vagina another sign of pre-menopause?  The reproductive organs get a bit squeaky and the vagina suddenly doesn't have the stamina of a 20 year old anymore?  Is it too much to ask for it to stay awake for an entire day? 

I wiggle my legs around a little and hope to wake it all up.  It resists.  I think it just grabbed the edge of my underwear and turned over to nap on its other side.  I don't want to listen to hard because I'm afraid I may hear it snoring.

Obviously, my boyfriend and I need a little time alone without kids around.
Am I the only one who finds it ironic that a sleepy vagina is my wake-up call.

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