Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...



Monday, March 22, 2010

Bugged...

There's a helicopter in my kitchen.

It's about 4 inches across, has six legs and is flying around aimlessly, like it's drunk.

I want it dead.

I know some bugs are good.  I hate teaching my kids that bugs should be killed.  But I have rules.  If a bug comes into my house - it's on my turf and has to play by my rules if he wants to live.  My rules are - NO flying when I'm around.  NO moving when I'm around.  Find a nice little corner or nook where I can't see you and stay there. 


Stay out of my clothes, don't eat my food.  Don't get in my wine.

All of these are offenses punishable by death. 

This seems fair to me.

I mean, if I go outside, I realize I could be stung, pinched or bitten.  I know the risks.  A spider spins a web FAR away from anywhere I need to be?  I steer clear.  I actually think I'm very respectful.

But if that f*cker comes inside, he's on my turf and all bets are off.

My kids are screaming, "KILL IT!  KILL IT!"

It buzzes Izzy's head like a control tower.  She SHRIEKS!

I open the screen door to try to let him out.  I'm a little concerned about squishing him...he's really big.  It'll be gross.  So I open the screen door and try to herd him outside with a magazine.  He just bounces off the image of Kate Gosselin and pings off of my cabinets and door jambs.  Despite the fact my door  is at least 7ft by 3 ft, he can't seem to "thread the needle."

Stupid bug.  Big stupid huge-ass bug...

Finally, after swatting at it a bunch of times I get it out the door.  It finds a home in my bougainvillia and will live to see another day.

My kids, their bloodlust unsatisfied, are disappointed.  But I feel humane.  Yes.  I set a good example.

...watch the sucker'll bite me when I go to take out the trash.

5 comments:

  1. LOL. You are a walking target sister!
    Just grabbed your button girl!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Maybe you should put a full bodysuit on just to be safe while taking that garbage out?
    I think I am a psycho when there is a fly or gnat in the house. When I do kill it because I do, I yell, "Aha I got ya!" Boy it feels good, sorry kids!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jumping insects gross me out even more than the flying kind. Want to hear me scram like a girl? Put a cricket somewhere it shouldn't be...like in my garage.

    I was sitting here peacefully one night watching TV, the rest of the family was in bed when I spotted a grasshopper on my curtain. Don't ask me how a grasshopper managed to get in my house unnoticed but it did. I tried to shoo it out humanely and the damn thing started flying around! Now, I thought grasshoppers were of the jumping variety...but apparently those sucker fly! After a lot of comedy I finally got that thing into the garage and put a big DO NOT OPEN sign on the door so nobody accidentally let it back into the house in the morning.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You had me at "don't get in my wine".

    You and me? We're going to be great bloggy friends, I can tell :)

    ps--I hate bugs, too. And when I wrote "bloggy" above? I almost wrote buggy friends, haha!

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  5. Love this. I have the same reactions to vermin when they enter my sanitized home. How dare they.

    ReplyDelete

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