I'm awake and I'm not happy about it.
It's 12:30am and l can't sleep at all. I'm tired alright. My eyes are drooping, my brain is mushy and I can barely see in front of me. But sleep eludes me.
Last night I didn't sleep at all. Not the kind of "not at all" where you really slept for a least a couple of hours and then exaggerate it to "not at all" to make a point.
No, I didn't sleep AT ALL. Ever. Not till 4:30am this morning when sounds of dawn on the mountain crept in through my window. Birds taunted me that they were so well rested they were ready to grab themselves a worm. I hate those birds.
I don't know who suddenly I can't sleep. I LOVE sleep! I am the QUEEN of sleep! Of course, it occurs to me that I've spent SO much time sleeping and napping that perhaps I've used up the sleep time that has been allotted to me in my lifetime and now I'm doomed to nights of laying in bed staring at the ceiling.
I try to coerce sleep out of my bed by shifting positions over and over in hopes of unlocking the pose that will bring it. Like a complicated lock on an Egyptian tomb you'd see in the movies, one particular contorted shape will be the "key" to opening the doorway. i twist, I turn, I stretch, I flip my pillow over and over trying to enjoy the coolness of a fresh side before it warms up again. I still can't unlock the door to dreamland.
As I finally started to drift off I was awoken by rumblings. They were coming from the other room and they were a sign that one of the kids was awake. Crap.
"Mommy? I think I had an accident."
NOOoooooo!!!!! I was just falling asleep.
I roll out of bed to check hers, which is completely dry. We changed underwear because she wanted to and I put her back in bed. I tried for sleep again.
5 minutes later...
"Mommy? I'm not sure, but I think I had an accident before because I drank water."
She's waking me up to tell me this??! Doesn't she know it's 4:30 in the morning??? Can't she read time????
"GO TO SLEEP!" I yell!
She returned to her room. I heard her cry.
I got up AGAIN.
"WHY are you crying???!"
"I just wanted to be honest."
"I know. But I"M EXHAUSTED!!!" I'm sorry I yelled. Mommy is SOOOO tired." I kissed her. "PLEEEEEEEZZE go to sleep."
Luckly, sleep seemed ready for me again. And I drifted off......
"MMMMOOOOOOOOOOMY! " My son wass standing right next to my head but he screamed it anyway.
I was jolted upright like a scared cat.
"I HAD A BAD DREAM!!!"""' He was yelling like it's my fault.
This was insane! This is like some kind of Torture that's relentless and eventually breaks you down till you have no defenses at all and are willing to do whatever is asked of you. Even if it's sharing a bed with a boy who expands to 3 times his natural size...and snores.
I opened the covers to the other side of my bed. Mumble "Get in...and be QUIET. PLEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeze"
I know I wasn't being very friendly, warm or nurturing. But it was 5 in the morning and I hadn't fallen asleep yet. I was SOOOO tired!
He fells asleep. Finally so did I.
I spent all day today as a Zombie. I couldn't focus, I used gutteral sounds as verbal responses and I think I was drooling. I don't know how Zombies have the energy to chase people and eat brains. All I want is to crawl back into my bed and be left alone.
I guess I'd make a crappy Zombie.