Scientists are baffled by the recent discovery of a disturbing and potentially fatal childhood disorder known as “Suicidal Tikes Under-Utilizing Protective Indicators Dysfunction”, or S.T.U.U.P.I.D
Diagnosis of S.T.U.U.P.I.D. children is on the rise and no one can figure out why. Some experts say it is the result of environmental toxins. Others argue it has been around for years.
Karen Lahey’s daughter was diagnosed as S.T.U.U.P.I.D. last December. “It all happened so fast. At first we noticed she liked to climb up on the kitchen counters then we caught her hanging out the second story window waving at the neighbor’s kitty. She could have killed herself! It was devastating.”
What are the signs a child is S.T.U.U.P.I.D.? We asked Dr. Emily Nolan a prominent pediatrician from Beverly Hills to explain. “Children’s brains work like a game of marbles. Each marble has the ability to tell another marble where to go. What to do. Each marble reacts naturally to another. When a child is S.T.U.U.P.I.D., they don’t make connections. They don’t see the indicators of danger all around them and their brains don’t trigger the crucial instinct to protect themselves. For S.T.U.U.P.I.D. children, some marbles are missing. “
How can you tell if your child is S.T.U.U.P.I.D.? Despite the fact that their parents tell them “no,” S.T.U.U.P.I.D. children feel the need to hurl their bodies through space, across slippery floors and into wall units containing crystal, limoge and other breakable objects. They are unable to control their impulses and are oblivious to potential risk.
“My grandson, Kyle, could see a wall right in front of him and just keep running. It’s heartbreaking really.” Said a grandmother of a S.T.U.U.P.I.D. child who asked not to be identified.
We interviewed one child who was born S.T.U.U.P.I.D. and asked him “What is it that compels you to jump off the sofa over a glass coffee table and onto a slick hardwood floor right in front of a lit fireplace. The child simply answered, “I want to.” Apparently, total disregard for safety is the most common theme among children who are S.T.U.U.P.I.D..
“There is still so little we know about this disorder and we’re learning more every day. There doesn’t seem to be any correlation between race or religion and children who are S.T.U.U.P.I.D.. In fact, studies show that children of all races are susceptible to being S.T.U.U.P.I.D..
As of now, there is no known cure. Experts recommend that if you see signs your child is S.T.U.U.P.I.D., the best way to proceed is find a S.T.U.U.P.I.D. support group in your area, hide sharp objects, and put your local fire department on speed dial.
Disclaimer: No stupid children were harmed in researching this piece. But a good laugh was had at their expense.