Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Um...I'll Pass on the Happy Ending...

I got a massage last night and it was not consensual.

Well, at first it was.  I wanted one.  I went looking for one.  So a girlfriend and I went to this cheap reflexology place on Pico boulevard.  We took off our shoes and ordered up a one hour chair massage each.  But my willing participation stopped there.

It all started well enough.  A wooden bucket of warm water was put on the ground in front of me and I was instructed to put my feet in it.  Ahhhh....warmth, and peace.

Then the beating began.

She bent me over my own thighs and savagely attacked every knot in my neck - and a few bones I think I needed.

I yelped "ACK!  OOCH!  OW!"

She said "Too hard?"

"Yes!  Too hard!  A bit lighter please?  Thank you for asking."

She relented a bit as she moved down my lower back and shoved my face into the pillow on my lap, liberally rubbing my carotid arteries to the point of me almost blacking out.  I was grateful for the pillow.


"Too hard?"

"Um.  Yes.  Could you maybe just do my shoulders?"

She moved to my shoulders.  But I assume she felt "thwarted" by my sports bra because she started fighting with it.  Pulling and stretching it out, forcing the straps down over my shoulders, binding my upper arms against my body.   And while she showed my delts who was boss.  I could only swing my little forearms around in protest. 

"Help!  Ack!  It hurts!"

"Too hard?"

"Yes!  A bit too hard.  Thank you."

She moved on, wrestling my shirt off of me.  I was kind of confused.  We weren't in a private massage room.  We were in a large open room with at LEAST 9 other chairs.  And there were men in at least 4 of them.  I didn't think I was supposed to show skin in a place like this and her ripping off my shirt to expose my naked mid-section felt a little wrong. 

But I looked to my left and my friend was serenly laying next to me in her own chair.  Her shirt was lightly pulled down around her shoulders.  She looked fine about it.  I figured, my therapist thought it was okay because I was wearing a sports bra.  So I wasn't really going to be naked.  Just exposed.

Very, very exposed.

So I laid back down so she could continue.  The next thing I know, she's wrestling with my sports bra and widdling it down my midsection - in the middle of this public massage place!  All my stomachy nakedness hanging out - granted, I was lying on the stomachy-nakedness - but STILL - I was HALF-NAKED from the back in a public place!  Now I'm not a shy person.  I'm not even easily embarrassed, I've gone skinny dipping.  I'll walk around my own yard naked, I'll even go sans swimsuit in my gym's ladies jacuzzi.

But I couldn't help feeling like this had somehow taken a wrong turn.

And then it was clear it had.

She started massaging my legs.  Up and down.  Up and down.  Up, Up, UP...ACK!  SHE TOUCHED MY VAGINA!!  Just a bit on the side as she "got in there" WAY up on my inner thigh, but she was up there - like my bikini waxing lady!  That had to be a mistake.  I've had massages hundreds of times and no one ever came close to massaging my vagina, near my vagina, or anything "en route" to my vagina!

She must have thought there was more thigh up there.  Yes.  That's it.  She thought there was more thigh.  I let it slide.  But THEN she did it on the other side!  Sure I had on yoga pants, but it still felt so wrong.

Just as I was about to tell her to "keep her hands above the belt", she smacked my butt to tell me I was done.  I wanted to grab my shirt and throw it over my exposed body, but my arms were still bound by my sports bra.  I floundered half naked in my massage chair.

I mumbled..."um...could you help me please?"

She man-handled my bra back up into position over my bare boobs and as I sat up in my chair while she went to bring me water.

My friend's massage finished up and she sat up in her chair and looked over at me.   Half-naked.  Hair in crazy bun on my head, my bare mid-section exposed, my sports bra askew, and a confused look on my face.

"What happened to you?"

"I don't know.  I think I was just molested."

My therapist came back.  "Water?"

"Yes.  Please.  Water."  I drank it.  Half-suspecting there to be a ruffie in it.

It was the weirdest massage I'd ever gotten.  I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

I went home and showered.  My boyfriend looked at me as I climbed into bed next to him.

"How was your massage?" He asked me.

"Too hard."


  1. LOL. Too funny.

  2. Show me on the doll where she massaged you...

  3. OH MY GOD. That's not funny, but it is! Wow. I've never had a massage before, now I'm afraid to! lol.

    Hi! I'm your newest follower from Mom Bloggers Club! I'd love it if you could follow back at one or all of my blogs!

    Thanks and have a great evening!

  4. Sarah, that is way too creepy! I think you definitely got felt up!

  5. Report her! to the facility and to the state. This was not an appropriate massage.

  6. Dam, I would have hit her, I'm sure of it! I can't believe you didn't stand up and say whoa, wait a minute what the F are you doing. So how much did you pay for your molestation? Send her the bill for your therapy!



  7. OK, THAT was hysterical! I just found you through "Moms Raising Boys" and I can tell your sense of humor is just like mine. The article on the grapes sounds exactly like a day in my life and the massage post...I fell off my chair!

  8. If she sniffed her hand afterward, it was definately purposeful.


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