Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Friday, November 26, 2010

Has the Fat Turkey Sung? I Don't Think So...

It's 15 hours after Thanksgiving dinner and I still feel full.

I ate Turkey, I ate sweet potatoes with marshmallows, I ate winter sqush soup with gruyere croutons, asparagus, I ate TWO different kinds of stuffing (sausage, sage and chestnut - YUHUHUUUMM! And a traditional dried fruit stuffing), cranberry sauce, chocolate cake, pumpkin cheese cake, cookies and a chocolate turkey.

It's not natural for a human being to eat so much.  And yet it felt so right.

I was like an episode of "man vs. food", only it was Mom vs. Turkey. 

I feel like I'll never eat again.  And I need a walk. 

I'll never recover.

...I can't wait to eat the leftovers tonight. :)

(Top Right Picture: I made this centerpiece.  I was very pleased with myself.  Left: my brother-in-law tearing into a turkey leg.   Bottom picture:  Smiling children.  My kids and their cousins.  Had to promise them cookies to get a smiling group shot))

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


See this turkey? 

Three years ago, we went to Underwood Family Farms on a class trip.  This turkey was in a big cage there...just gobblin' away.  Minding it's own business. 

Ben (who was 4) had never seen anything like it.   He was mesmerized.

He put his face up to the cage to get a closer look.

The turkey's body was HUGE, but his head fit right between the cage bars.  He pecked him square in the forehead.  No joke.  Gave him little red mark right in the center.  I called it his a turkey bindi.

We didn't freak out, and he laughed instead of cried (I swear, it could have gone either way by the look on his face...)  But he was surprised.  Totally fine...but surprised.

I wet my pants.

We still visit that turkey whenever we go back to the farm.  He's still there, gobblin' away.  Pecking at any kid that gets too close and doesn't yet grasp logistics (small head + wide bars = peck on head).

It's a wonder no one's eaten him yet.

Thanksgiving at My House. Good Idea or Not.

I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year.

My sister's family and one of my best friends and her family will be coming to MY house this year. Anticipating Thanksgiving-y goodness.

So far, I have the chocolate turkeys to put at each place setting (a tradition that goes back to when we were little and my grandmother always put a golden foiled beacon of goodness out for everyone).

I have 1 dozen sweet potatoes to make mashed sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top (and I have 2 bags of marshmallows)

1 large box of cornbread croutons for cornbread, sausage, and chestnut stuffing.

2 large boxes of focaccia croutons for regular stuffing (for people who don't like sausage or chestnuts in their stuffing...but tell me...who doesn't like sausage and chestnuts in their stuffing...)

About 10 pounds of assorted squash to make squash soup.

And a can of pumpkin and 4 bars of cream cheese to Smittin Kitchen's pumpkin boubon cheesecake.

I've even cleaned the card tables and fold-up chairs,  washed all of the dust off the wine glasses (which I know surprises you since I drink so much wine - I use little cafe glasses when it's just me and the man...) and polished the silver.

Yes.  Everything is in place.  I feel so ahead of the curve.

One problem...anyone know how to cook a turkey?

Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mum? Mom??

Welcome to my life...

Monday, November 22, 2010

Holiday Pop-Up Stores in Los Angeles

Do you have fabulous style?  Do you love finding gorgeous gifts at reasonable prices?  Do you want to be on the cutting edge of shopping knowledge?? 

If so, check out these Pop-Up Stores I found around LA at CBS/LosAngeles

I am obsessed with this sunbrella parasol that keeps UV rays from ruining your skin.   If you get photo facials you HAVE to check this out!

Monday, November 15, 2010

I LUV comments! Added "CommentLuv" to Mommy Lite

I am a feedback whore.  I can't help myself - I just love comments.  I love to know someone is reading this stuff and I love to talk with other people who suck at this parenting thing as much as I do.

Unfortunately, Blogger (the format of this blog) doesn't let me "reply."  So chances are there are readers who said nice things (or even not-nice things) and thought I didn't give a crap.  Well, I do...give a crap. 

And now, I have just installed COMMENTLUV on this site and EVERY time you leave a comment, I'll know how to reach you (if you want) you can link back to your own site (if you want) or you can leave a blind comment threatening to contact Social Services.  Whatever your fancy.

I spent two days fiddling with this widget trying to make it work, so could you do me a "solid" and give it a whirl?  Leave a comment and let's see if your link shows up.

If I don't respond to your comment, please know it's not because I'm not loving your comment and considering putting it on a t-shirt - it's just that I can't find a link back to you.


Sunday, November 14, 2010

Who's Got Their Ducks In A Row?

Me!  I do!  And it only cost me about $20.

This store sold rubber ducks.  Seriously.  Rubber ducks and Excedrin.  (Not sure if you need the Excedrin from staring at so many rubber ducks...).

I stumbled across rubber duck heaven in Cambria during our trip when it when my boyfriend was driving down main street and I saw a window full of rubber ducks.  I yelled "STOOOOOOOPPP!"   I think he thought we were going to hit a cow (lots of cows in Cambria...).  We pulled over.  I think he was pissed we hadn't hit a cow.  (Not that he wanted to hit a cow, he just thought rubber ducks were a really bad reason for screaming "STOOOOOOP!")

I don't know if you know this, but my kids love rubber ducks.

So, I would be remiss to not buy them rubber ducks.  After all, I'd been away for 3 days. 

So I bought rubber ducks.  Lots of them.  I carefully and deliberately picked out the ones I thought would be best received while singing "Rubber're the one..."  My boyfriend examined the Excedrin and pretended not to know me.

Of course, I took the lady's card so I can order more at any time ( case I should ever need more rubber ducks....).

The kids freaked for the ducks and now I can officially say I have my ducks in a row.

I'm thinking of lining shelves in the kid's bathroom with them.  Wouldn't that be cute?

I smell a collection coming on...

 (Look, Hippie Ducks!)

Friday, November 12, 2010

Loving Paso Robles

We found a candy shop in town last night.  We were full of fresh pasta, drunk on wine and we stumbled in.  Holy crap, this place is heaven.

And they had gelato!  (Damn, writing is so fattening.)

Are you smarter than a 5th Grader? I'm not.

It's official.  I am not smarter than a 5th grader and I know it because I can't do my daughter's homework.

Seriously, I am at a loss and I wrote a little article about it for  

By the way, anyone have the name of a good tutor?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Beyond Pismo Beach

Hi everyone,

I'm away writing a story for CBS/Los's "Best Of..." section about getting away for a romantic weekend to Paso Robles, California.  Can you believe it?  Someone is PAYING me to stay in a gorgeous winery, drink wine and have sex...wait...does that make me a whore?  That's okay...I can live with that.

Anyway, Scott and I are in this GORGEOUS winery and B&B right now, Justin Winery, and the kids are home with their nanny...and my Ex-husband.  I'm a bit uncomfortable about giving my ex-husband such open access to all of my stuff - he LOVES to go through my stuff - but it's the price I pay for getting a break from full custody, right?

So, the kids are taken care of, I am having alone time for the FIRST time in over a year with my wonderful man, and the whole trip is comped.

Just toured the caves of the winery and we're off to a Lavender farm.  WOO HOO!  I am so giddy from happiness right now...or is that from the wine...

Anyway, next stop is the Hotel Cheval in the center of Paso Robles...

I'll post pictures (of the wine stuff...not the sex...)


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Princess Frank

My nephew is a moron.

This isn't a judgment call.  It's just that he's 11 and he's a boy.  Hence, he's an moron.

This Halloween, he and a few friends thought it would be funny to dress up as girls.  One of them, clearly the Vince Vaughan of the group, suggested they take it a step further and dress up as princesses.

"Yeah!" my nephew and his equally moronic friends agreed.  "That'll be funny!  Heh-heh!  We are so funny!"

And they did.

Well, what they didn't take into account is that they are students at a very exclusive private school here in LA that prides itself on diversity and like 25% of the parents at the school are gay.

So last Friday, for the Halloween parade, my nephew and his three friends brought their princess gowns to school, the girls in the class swarmed around them to do their make-up (maybe they're not such morons after all...) and they fully cross-dressed up like they were attending a royal ball.

Then they joined the school parade.

The next thing my sister knows, she's getting stopped by parent after parent talking about how great it is that her son and his friends feel comfortable expressing themselves.  How proud she must be.  Well, the parents at this school are powerful presences in media and talked to her about wanting to use the pictures of her son and his friends from the parade to help promote gay tolerance and support the anti-bullying movement.   Which obviously would be great...except for the fact that her son's not an activist.  He's a moron.  Next thing she knows, pictures of her son and his friends are being taken specifically for the school yearbook to show future potential students how free the policy is at the school and how children of all races, religions, and sexual orientation (keep in mind...they're 11), are welcome and embraced at their school.

Which is GREAT by the way.  It's FANTASTIC the school is open and encouraging.  That's exactly what I would want for my kids if I could afford it.  Unfortunately, intolerance is all I can afford right now.  I know because my daughter goes by the nickname "Bob" and everytime someone new hears the nickname they ask me if she's experiencing transgender issues.  I answer, "she's 10.  But I'll keep you posted."

Here's my point.  Tolerance is good.  No wait, tolerance is GREAT!  But I find the general populations willingness to jump on a simple, completely unintentional action as the next big political statement, ridiculously telling of our time and totally hysterical.

I'm sure my wonderful nephew will have a lot to say one day.  And he'll say it beautifully.

But for now, as Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.  Or in this case, a tiara is just a tiara.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Doin' the Monster Mash...

This weekend I got all dolled up as Scarlett O'Hara, went to a Halloween party, and danced my ass off with a bunch of underaged kids movin' to the sounds of Lady Gaga and Usher.

Yup.  You guessed it.  I was a chaperone at Izzy's 5th grade Halloween dance.

I had no idea what to expect.  I was of course just a bit flipped out about my oldest daughter going to a boy/girl dance. She is still so young to me.  I had visions of me having to endure watching her awkwardly boogie with a boy who comes up to her shoulders.  As far as I was concerned, she wasn't ready.  I knew I wasn't.

This dance was scary for me.  Izzy's been my baby for 10 years!  An now, she was venturing into the world of boy/girl activities and I, having been a teen myself, know what's waiting for her.  I know that one day, any day, she'll "turn."  She'll be embarrassed by me.  She'll be watching the boys and giggling.   As far as I was concerned, this 5th grade dance was only the beginning.

But it turned out that the boys and girls were one big mosh pit in the center of the room and the MC (a dad of one of the kids) played games with the kids and got them all out on the dance floor one at a time.  Not a whiff of romantic tension and the kids had such a great time!  The girls spent most of the night squealing every time a "good" song came on, and the boys threw themselves onto the floors, sliding, spinning and trying to look "urban."  Which is really funny for a bunch of 5th graders.

The only moment of boy/girl awkwardness was when the MC did a little "Soul Train" action.  The boys lined up on one side - girls on the other.  Then they bolted straight down the dance path arms crossed  - eager to get their turn over with.  Which actually wasn't the awkward part.  The awkward part was when the kids had to watch me in my big hoop dress strut and wobble and roll down the danceway with one of the teachers.  I do love to dance. 

Izzy danced there on the sidelines cheering for me as I strutted.  No embarrassed at all.  In fact, she tried to keep me on the floor dancing all night! Scarlett O'Hara never had such a good time. 

The night ended with all the kids using tickets they earned to pick out prizes.  The parents were relieved, and exhausted.  Grateful nothing happened over the course of the night that indicated our children had in fact turned into teenagers.

Yeah.  We all got our little kids back at the end of the night.  Phew.

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