Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Friday, December 16, 2011

Christmas Carols Written by Older Siblings...

This post was inspired by Isabel who just started singing "Let it go, Let it go, Let it go..." to the tune of "Let it Snow" in response to her little sister getting mad about her doing something (I have no idea what - nor do I particularly care) to her.

"Let it Go! Let it Go!  Let it Goooooo!!!!..."

Oh the weather outside is frightful
not an ummbrellaaaaa in sight-ful
I'll use yours and you won't know....
"Let it go, let it go, let it goooo......"

Oh that chocolate you have's delicious
and I know that you're suspicious
I ate your candy, now you know....
"Let it go, Let it go, Let it go..."

When we finally say good night
I so hate' putting toys on the shelf
Yeah, I played with them all day long
you're younger, do it yourseeeelllffff....

Oh I know that I'm your big sister...
And I know I make you pissed-er
but I'll say that I love you soooo...just so you'll
"Let it go, let it go, let it goooooo..."

Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Fine Art of Procrastination

I should be writing.  I've been sitting at my computer for 2 hours and I have lists and lists of things I really, really want to write about.  Things I KNOW would be fascinating and exciting to read.  PEARLS of entertainment I just KNOW I could bring to you...if only I actually wrote them.

But no.  Instead, I am sitting here with a friend of mine who is doing her Holiday Cards (btw she has an AWESOME card design company called Lo Lo Paper Treats...) while I "work" and we're Googling things like "World's Oldest Vegan." In case you're interested, some Vegan website says is 175 but we both agree that's total bullshit because the "World's oldest person" (which we had to look up next obviously) lived to 122.

You can see how productive we are.

Maybe I'll write more tomorrow.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Liebe Schab 1998 - 2011

This post is in loving memory of Liebe Schab, my mom's most beloved companion. 

Liebe, you were loyal, sweet, eminenently forgiving, occassionally a little disgusting, and always incredibly adorable.  We all loved you so very, very, very much.  

We will miss your visits, and we will miss seeing you at Grammy's house.  You brought Isabel, Livi and Ben so much joy and happiness and we feel so lucky to have had you in our lives for 13 years. 

Now go rest in your sunbeams and dig a few holes in heaven. 

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Kim Kardashian Reveals Lifelong Battle with Tartar!

In world news today, reality TV star Kim Karadashian revealed she has tartar.*

Word of the star’s condition was revealed yesterday when she tweeted “I need to floss” shortly after lunchtime.

Sources close to Kim said they were stunned by the news. “I have tartar. My sister has tartar.  But Kim? It’s just totally shocking!”

The few insiders who have known about her condition spoke of her lifelong battle with plaque and keeping gingivitis at bay.   “It’s been a struggle for her.  She needs to use a really good toothbrush - like the kind you plug in.”

Kris Jenner could be reached for comment.  “Her whole life has been marred by this problem.   I remember the dentist giving me the diagnosis when she was 6.  He said this was something she’d have her whole life.   I just sat down and cried.  Khloe had been diagnosed two years earlier, but Kim is the pretty one.    I was afraid it would hold her back as she got older.   But we’re Kardashians.  We’re strong.  And so is our tooth enamel.

The good news for Kim is that dentists and oral hygenists agree that tartar can be controlled with regular brushing and flossing.  But the threat still looms.  Miss a day, miss a week, and gingivitis could set in - threatening not just her oral health, but her well-being overall.

Kris confirmed that exclusive rights to Kim’s dental x-rays have been sold to Us Weekly for $1M.

* For legal reasons, I must note that this article is parody.   Kim Kardashian has not confided to me nor to anyone I know that she has tartar.   Nor did she tweet about flossing.  Whether or not US Weekly would find her dental X-rays newsworthy is an unknown. We can only hope not.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

10 Reasons to Love LA During the Holidays

I am a transplanted New Yorker.  And like all transplanted New Yorkers, we love to kvetch about how LA doesn’t measure up to our gritty, crowded, bagel-laden homeland.

Well, the holiday season is the perfect time for us and our "ilk" (i.e. Chicago natives, Ohio natives, the random Philadelphian…) to amp up our complaints; "There's no snow." "There aren't any seasons..." "your pizza sucks!"(our favorite complaint…)

But maybe it’s not so bad.  I mean, when you look around, there are some really great things to love about Los Angeles over the holiday season.  For example:

1.  Out-of-work actors = A better class of Santa.    When our Santa’s say “Ho, Ho, Ho…” you feel it.

2.  Thanks to the miracle of plastic surgery, whatever gift you give the recipient always looks happy and surprised.

3.  Mistletoe is more effective when hung over the hot tub.

4. Chihuauas are soooooo much easier to "curb" than reindeer.

5. Because permit parking is never suspended, your guests can't overstay their welcome.

6.  No snow days.  The kids are in school…every…single…day.

7.  Rehab Christmas parties rock.

8.  No slush to ruin your Jimmy Choos.

9.  Drunk Driving is relative.  The police here really focus on the most drunk...

10. When you’re a transplanted New Yorker…your family isn’t around.  Finally...a Happy Holiday.☺

I hope you and your family have a very Happy Holidays,

Sarah @

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

10 Things I am Thankful For This Year

1) My family: Because they are a part of me, and I am a part of them, and they "Complete me"...blah, blah, blah.
2) My boyfriend:  Because he makes me laugh every day and  if I don't say it, he won't give me a backrub tonight)
3) The invention of wine: God bless the first person ever to take a swig of really old grape juice.
4) Tee Tree Oil: My only defense in my battle against that most horrific of infestations...smelly children. 
5) Fine Corinthian leather: Why not?  And I like saying it.
6) Coffee: Because life doesn't start in the morning without it.
7) The Food and Drug Administration: For not outlawing coffee as a drug despite the fact millions of people are addicted to it.
8) Bubble bath:  Because no matter how old you are, how fat you feel or how crappy your mood, bubble baths are transformative.  And tickley.
9) Guinea pigs: Because they are big enough to pet and you don't have to walk them 4 times a day.
10) The roof over my head and food on my table: Because no matter how glib I may get or how down I may feel, I never EVER go to bed without taking a few minutes to realize how lucky I am.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!


Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Girl's Got Game...

I figured with the TODAY Show/TODAYMoms piece up about Livi and possibly quitting gymnastics, I'd share a couple videos of her at States this past weekend.

Keep in mind, it's Level 3 (7 and 8 year olds), so it's not quite the Olympics - but I am kvelling (which, by the way, is also something else we Jews do in addition to kvetching.  Wait, maybe there's a kvelling version of a cheer too...

2! 4! 6!  8!

Alright, I'll stop with the cheers now.

I present to you, Livi on bars:


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

This Mama Didn't Raise No Quitter! Or Did I?...

If you read MommyLITE regularly, you've heard me rave about Livi's gymnastics prowess. (Click here to read my "Confessions of a Bleacher Mom")

About a month ago she told me she wanted to quit to be a cheerleader.  A CHEERLEADER!  Jews can't cheer!  We kvetch, but we don't cheer.  Unfortunately, competitive "kvetch-leading" never really took off (outside of my family at least):

"2, 4, 6, 8!
NOT ME! NOT ME!  NeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEVER ME!  OY!"

You see where I'm coming from.

Anyway, I was crushed.  And while Betsy Brown Braun, my parenting "Go To Gal" (and author of "You're Not The Boss of Me!") keeps drilling into me that that this "isn't about's about her!" I can't help but wonder if sometimes what makes it so hard is it's kinda both.  If I make her stay with it, am I just another Tiger Mom?  I prefer to think of myself more as a "Guinea Pig Mom" - I squeak with urgency but am pretty innocuous, and my kids know it.

What do you do when your kid is really good at something and then wants to quit?

Well, I have a post today up on TODAYMoms all about it (CLICK HERE to read "Should You Let Your Child Be A Quitter?).

Maybe Kvetching will catch on.  Or maybe, as I talk about in the "Confessions..." article...I should just go out and buy that f*cking recorder.

I'm really curious...what would you do?

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Haiku Tuesday

I sit on my bed
Surrounded. Too much to file.
I think I will nap.

Monday, November 7, 2011

"Massage a Trois" and Other Things They Have in Heaven

First off...let me just say that going on vacation without children should be law.

Like maternity leave, our jobs should compensate us and cover the cost of child care while we escape, I mean "rejuvenate."  Every time I go away without children, I forget how TOTALLY AWESOME it can be!  Peace, quiet, adult conversation.  No children fighting, no children arguing, no children screaming.

The law should provide for at least one weekend of "parental rejuvenation" every 6 months.  The intent being so we can reboot, clean our mental slates, reorganize our thoughts and remember what's important.  Or, at the very least, go back to all of the fighting and arguing and screaming too hungover to care.

 Last weekend I got a chance to escape (I mean, rejuvenate...).  I went to the La Costa Resort and Spa in Carlsbad.  They invited me and Scott down for their "Grand Preview Weekend" and it was heaven.   I didn't even know heaven was IN Carlsbad.  (I had thought it was further north.  Maybe near Vancouver.)

I had no idea they had planned such a huge shebang, but Oh My God - it was unbelievable.  I didn't just get away from kids.  I got to attend a HUGE celebrity studded event intended to dazzle and introduce us to all of their amenities which had recently undergone a $50M renovation.  Seriously, they brought out ALL the big guns for this preview weekend.  It was crazy.   For example?  Um...okay...I met Deepak Chopra (YES!  DEEPAK CHOPRA!)!  Yeah.  Me and my man "Deep."  Hangin.  Well, not hanging, but he did speak to an intimate crowd of about 100 and he was brilliant.  And inspiring.  Did you know your body completely regenerates all of its atoms every 4 months?  You LITERALLY have a brand new body EVERY 4 months!  Or something like that.  At least, that's what I got from the speech...but then again...I had been drinking.

Post hanging out with Dr. Deep, I spent some quality time with my new BBF (that's Best Boy Friend as opposed to BFF), Mr. Big.  Yes, Chris Noth!  He was there!  And he is TALL!  And gorgeous.  And I touched him.  (The current restraining order was totally worth it...)  Scott was tolerant as my bloggy buddies and I giggled and tittered like 80's tweens at a Rick Springfield concert. 

The next morning, we got up to do a breakfast and boot camp with Jillian Michaels.  Yes.  That's right.  Jillian Michaels.  She spoke to us over breakfast about what bullsh*t "fad diets" are and how the ONLY way to get into shape was exercising, watching calories and getting lipo.  I'm kidding.  She said we had to eat as much organic foods as possible and limit chemical and artificial food intake.  SO EASY!  I can do THAT!  (I ran right out to Whole Foods as soon as I got home and bought organic Oreos.  I can already feel the fat melting away...)

Here's me and Jillian.  She's smirking because she is planning on kicking my ass...

And then there was bootcamp.  And, yes...she will make you cry.  If you don't pass out first.  Here's a video of me during the first 5 minutes of her workout.

Here is a picture of me with my fellow Bloggin' Mamas (Teresa Seid of, Mary Burt Godwin of, Andrea Fellman of, Stefanie Mullen of, Cheryl Rosenberg of The Orange County Register, and Beth Avent of post bootcamp workout.  That's me in the middle, leaning over (the truth is I couldn't stand up...)

In my mind I had already put in a full day's activities by 9:30am.   I was ready to go hang out at The Spa for the rest of the day until my treatment at the "Chopra Center" - a very special treatment designed to support the "balance and bliss" in my life (because they understand just how much I need more balance and bliss in my life...).   I had what they call an Odyssey Ayurvedic Massage Treatment. If you don't know what this is, all you need to understand is that it is done with TWO MASSAGE THERAPISTS AT THE SAME TIME!  DO YOU HEAR ME??!!  


Do you have any idea what it's like to be massaged by TWO people - at the SAME time????  Maybe you've had a Menage a Trois and you sort of you understand.  But really, I can't imagine it's the same thing.  A Menage a Trois just seems like so much work.  In all honesty, I'm not that ambitious.  I barely have the energy to do one guy at a time let alone two.  Is that so wrong?  After all, I'm a busy woman.

In short - if you have a bucket list, put a massage by two people at the same time on it.  If you DON'T have a bucket list, START one and put a massage by two people at the same time on it!  You are NOT allowed to die until you have tried this!

Sunday morning we rolled out of bed, hit the brunch buffet and went home.  To a house full of kids.  And they fought.  And they argued.  And they screamed.

But it was okay.  Because I had been rejuvenated.

P.S.  Next time I go back I have to bring the kids - if only so I have an excuse to ride this 3 story tall water slide.  Yowza!

Law requires me to tell you that Scott and I received a complimentary stay and services from La Costa Resort and Spa.  However, I am in NO WAY required or expected to endorse the property and ALL of my opinions and comments contained herein are 100%  my own.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Illegal Activity...

In honor of Halloween, I am re-posting my favorite Halloween post ever!  (I'm SO wishing I could find this costume right now...)

I illegally entered someone's home the other day.  I didn't mean to.  My intentions were honorable.  I was just looking for cake.

Security rolled by in a golfcart and eyeballed me as I ran out the front door of some woman's home dressed in a toga and clinging a handful of cash.

Let me back up.

Last week was my boyfriend's birthday.  Friday night we had ten of his old friends over for Baked Ziti, and Martinis.  I wanted it to be a perfect evening.  Of course, this meant ordering the perfect cake.

Chocolate Chocolate Chip cake with Bittersweet Buttercream Scharffengerger Chocolate frosting.  Ten inches and 4 layers of beautiful, fudgey, chippy and tasty perfection made by Laura's Cake Kitchen (you may know her as Laura from My Life Is a Piece Of Cake.  She's a cakey genius and she likes to get paid in cash).

Friday was also the last day of school before Halloween - which means ALL THREE kids had Halloween parties in their classes AS WELL AS a halloween parade on the school yard.

So as soon as I drop off my kids at school, I'm making ziti, moving furniture, setting the table, polishing my grandmother's silver and laying out china my sister later tells me shouldn't be eaten on because it contains lead.

By 11:30 the sauce is made, the ziti is boiled, the table is set and the flowers are arranged.

I put on my costume (the kids insisted I wear one in a show of solidarity - I was Athena, Goddess of Wisdom).  I grab my daughters stuffed owl to accentuate my Goddessness (Athena's symbol - but I don't think she carried a Webkinz) and ran out the door.  (Complicated hairdo shown in photo).

I spent the next hour and a half running from classroom to classroom as a part of my own personal "no child left behind" policy and managed to help get each party up and running. 

I looked at my watch.  I had a 1 hour window till the Halloween Parade started on the school yard.

I thought about the cake waiting for me across town at Laura's house.  Could I make it?  It's tight.

I took a chance.

I made it to her housing complex in 20 minutes.  I park.  I call Laura on the phone to tell her I'm at her house.  Meanwhile, she's at HER kids school applying Vampire make-up to one of her four children, but she says the door to her house is open and the cake is waiting. 

I walk in to the house while talking to her on the phone so she can direct me where to go.

I tell her "Laura, I'm putting the cash on your dining room under the brush on the table.  Next to the pumpkin."

She's distracted. "Okay.  No Luke, the blood looks good there."  

I keep walking through the house. "I'm heading into your kitchen."  There's a child's scream on the other end of the phone.  I look in the fridge.  No cake.  My stomach drops.  Someone stole my cake!

"Laura!  There's no cake in here!"

"It's right there."  She says.

"I'm looking in your fridge right now and there is no cake."

"It's not in the fridge.  Why are you in the fridge?"

"I thought you said it's in the fridge."

"It's not in the fridge.  It's on the dining room table.  Luke, stop playing with your blood."

"Oh."  I close the fridge and walk back out.

No cake.

"Laura.  There's no cake on the table!"  I'm hyperventilating...visions of fudgy goodness slipping through my fingers.

"It's right there!"

"NO!  It's not!  There's just a big pumpkin!"

"What's with the pumpkin!  There's no pumpkin.  Only a cake."

"I'm looking at your table and there's no cake.  There's a pumpkin and some placemats..."

"Placemats?  I don't have placemats on the table.  Where are you?"

"I'm in your living room.  I'm looking at your TV area, there's a pink wooden kitchen in the corner - oh, that's cute..."

She's hysterical laughing on the end of the line.  "'re in the wrong house."

I am suddenly very aware of the fact that I have just raided some stranger's fridge, and am now standing in the middle of their living room dressed like a drunk sorority girl.  I grabbed my cash from under the hairbrush and took off out the door, JUST in time for security to drive by.

I think he would have stopped me for questioning if I hadn't been dressed in a toga, clinging to a small furry owl, and bent over, crying of laughter on some woman's front lawn.  I think he was afraid.  I would be. 

I went to the house next door, found my cake, left the cash and hopped back in my car.

I made it back to my kids' school JUST in time for the first graders to make their rounds on the school track in their costumes.

I took a ton of pictures as each child smiled as they passed me on the track.   Completely unaware that their mother narrowly escaped the law.  Again.

Unless of course there's an APB out right now for a tall, middle-aged brunette woman in a toga carrying a stuffed owl.  Check your local post offices and let me know.

P.S.  The cake was CRAZY FANTASTIC!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

My Biggest "Mama Beef" Is...

We're talking "Mom Beefs" on "Tell Me More" with Michel Martin on NPR this morning.

Aren't you SOOOOOOOO curious to know who really pisses us off?

You can click the link below to hear the the show. It'll make you want to rant...

Monday, October 24, 2011

An Open Letter to "Parker Brothers":

To the makers of "Scattergories",

I am hoping you can help me.  I need a new timer for our game.

I recently brought Scattergories on a "girl's weekend."  Yes, a good time was had by all.  However, I left the game in my car overnight.

This morning, I ran errands and heard an ongoing "tick, tick, tick, tick, tick..." Unsure what it was or whether or not a bomb had been planted in my car by another angry mother at school, I pulled over.  I discovered it was the timer in your game.  Apparently, the mild jolt of the car caused the timer to depress and start "timing."  So I gently pushed the timer to stop, got back in the car and went on my way.

As I continued on my morning errands I hit a little bump in the road.  Again..."tick, tick, tick, tick, tick..." I aimed for another bump thinking if I just jostled the game in the car it would stop.  It did.

Then I turned the corner.  Again "tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick..."

I swerved.  Nothing.  I slammed on the brakes.  Nothing.  I hit a large pothole that might cost me a new muffler.  "tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick....."

It wouldn't stop.  It must have gone into "crunch timer mode" because the ticking got faster and more urgent.  Then finally it stopped.

Then I turned another corner.  10 minutes later I pulled into my driveway I went to the back of my car.  I pulled out the timer.  I carefully placed it under the rear wheel of my car and drove over it.

I would be most grateful if you could please send me a new timer for our game.  I'll pay for the muffler.


Sarah Maizes

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Wiping the Habit...

My family has a "Pack A Day" habit. 
No not cigarettes.  Toilet paper.

We go through it like...well I'd say tissue paper, but that seems a obvious.  And redundant. 

I don't know how we do it...use so much toilet paper I mean.

I don't believe that collectively we go to the bathroom anymore than normal people.  I mean, Livi does drink a lot of juice...

I think they're just using so MUCH of it.  We're killing trees left and right...or should I say front and back.

I just realized that I was changing the roll in my bathroom every day.  In fact, we go through rolls so quickly we even kept a "back up" roll sitting on the pile of magazines next to the toilet.

How can a family of four use so much toilet paper??  I wanted to get to the bottom of this mystery (pun not intended...) so I spied on my kids wiping.  I realize this might be illegal in some states, but I felt like as a citizen of the Earth, it was my duty to find out how all of these resources were being used.

It's interesting to see each has their own methodology.  I won't go into details, but MAN - they do use a LOT of toilet paper.

Did you know there are people who don't even use toilet paper?  I'm not joking.  My massage therapist used to live with a guy who didn't wipe.  He was a Vegan and he believed his body was so clean that he didn't need it.

Ew. (Shutter...)  I don't think we want to go that route...

Does anyone else have this problem?  Is it my family alone that is responsible for the deforestation of the entire Southern Hemisphere?

Do I start rationing TP? 

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Lice Expert

I think I have officially become an expert on lice...This must be my fourth article this year about the little buggers...

Fun conversation though on TodayMoms...Do you tell people when your kid gets lice?

Thursday, October 6, 2011

In Memory of Steve Jobs

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life,” Jobs said. “Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

-Steve Jobs 1955-2011

Friday, September 30, 2011

Escape from LA!

I am overworked, totally stressed out and hanging on by a thread.  So are a few of my friends.

So last week we spent the day at the Montage Hotel in Beverly Hills - SHHHHH don't tell our kids!  (...and don't worry - I was  lice-free!)

We sipped morning mojitos, ate fresh fruit by the pool, and  leisurely dips in the gorgeous jacuzzi.  And we didn't have to even leave town.  Just click here to read the story on  CBS/

Who knew escaping from LA was so simple?!  Kurt Russell never had it so easy.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Mommy Lice



We got em.

In fact, we got 2 of them.  (Well, if you add mine, we have 5 total).  But that's not the point.  We have lice and it TOTALLY SUCKS!

It just figures that we would start a new school, I would instantly offend somebody and THEN we would get lice.  When I walk into a new situation, I really make an impression.

Yeah...I figure, why waste my time getting to know people - shaking hands, smiling and being friendly.  No.  Not when I can make my true self known by crashing in, offending other mothers  and passing around some kind of infestation.  Let them see who I am from the start!


So in addition to trying to get used to a new school, new people and a new schedule, my first week of school was spent driving back and forth three times from the local lice removal faeries (God Bless you Tipperary!), washing every piece of clothing we own, cleaning every towel (see photo for the HUGE pile of laundry I had to climb over to get to and from the kid's bathroom) stripping every bed (EVERY DAY) and topping it all off with a professional steam cleaning service coming in to debugify my sofas and carpets. 

I'm trying not to see this as some sort of biblical scale punishment for having insulted that mother, but it's hard. 

If we get a frog infestation, I'll know it's personal...

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Put a Cork in It

My son loves a collection.  He likes to collect tons of something.  Anything really.  It only needs to serve one purpose - to take up space on his limited shelving.

This morning, he picked up a corked wine stopper I had on my counter.

"Mommy?  I'm going to start collecting corks."

"Okay." (Note my lack of enthusiasm...)

"Yeah.  You drink a lot of wine.  So I'll be good with corks."

Maybe I should take that as a sign...

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY: Lost lost tooth: Oxymoron? Or just moronic?

Sometimes I like to go through my archives and look to see what was going on a year ago.   Funny to see not much has changed...other than the big tooth came in...:)

My son JUST lost his front tooth.

Five minutes later he lost it again.  Somewhere on the kitchen floor.

After wiggling it, twisting it, and biting heartily into a grilled cheese and bacon sandwich he finally lost the tooth that's been loose for more than a month.

He was so excited he put it on a napkin right next to him.  So he could watch it and admire the bloody,  gleaming, "Chicklety" nature of it while he ate his lunch.

Then as he swiped his hand across the table to show all of us at the table how a "sandwich rocket" flies, he sent his tooth sailing.

You may recall, my son is a bit clumsy and somewhat "unaware" of his body as it moves through space, but this was a record "accident"... even for him.

If I were a better housekeeper this wouldn't have been a problem at all.  But unfortunately, it's been a couple days since I've swept (yes...ew...I know, I know...I just forgot).

Unfortunately, we'd had Matzoh Ball soup and these teeny tiny square crackers for dinner last night and I think there may have been tortilla chips involved in the lunch prior to that because the ENTIRE floor was covered in beige and white, tooth-sized crumbs.  It was like finding a needle in a crumbstack.  EVERYTHING looked like it could be the tooth.

I offered the kids a quarter to whomever found the tooth and we all ducked below and began searching.

I spotted something red and a little meaty looking.


"YAY, MOMMY!" Ben shouted.

I triumphantly picked up the small red chunk to examine it. 

"Oh.  It's pizza.  Never mind."

I forgot.  We'd had pizza two nights ago.  I put the bit of pizza into a napkin so I wouldn't confuse it for the tooth again.

20 minutes later, we were all still scouring the floor examining small pieces of dried chicken, crackers, tortilla chips and more pizza hoping to find the tooth in this haystack of crumbs.  It was hopeless.  And a little disgusting.

I waved the white flag.

"You know what Ben?  I hear the tooth fairy is really nice and you can just right her a note to say you accidentally lost the tooth and can't find it."

"Can you write the note for me?"

"No.  That's part of the deal.  She'll recognize the tooth loss, but you have to write the note yourself."

Yup.  He bought it.

"Don't get excited, sometimes she doesn't come."  Said Livi - having learned from her own experience with the tooth fairy (see "One Flakey Fairy").

"No, no.  She'll come.  She just gets really busy sometimes." I said sweeping up the remnants of our last few meals. If the tooth was there, it was now going bye-bye with all the crumbs.  I was a little sad about it.  It was such a cute tooth.

Anyway, he was satisfied with the resolution and is now writing his letter to the tooth fairy.  I'm cleaning my floor.

I would love for one of my kids to lose a tooth without any drama.  Of course, I realize my part in this.  I should be cleaner.  I need to be cleaner.  I WILL be cleaner - starting right now!  New rule - NO teeth on the table.


We found the tooth!  We sat down to dinner and it was on his chair.  Obviously, in cleaning the floor it didn't dawn on me to clean the chairs.  I'm really not good at this "cleaning" business. 

YAY!  Isn't it cute?

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Chocolate Salami

Chocolate Salami.

A friend and I went to Il Covo on West 3rd in Hollywood last night.  When the waiter suggested Chocolate Salami for dessert last night I ordered it based solely on the fact I HAD to see what Chocolate Salami looked like.  I mean don't you already have an image in your head?

Anyway, I figured it's chocolate...and salami...How can you go wrong?  Right? 

OMG - this was delicious.  It's not really salami...I guess you figured that out.  It's sort of like a chocolate cookie dough with nuts in it - thinly sliced and presented with a scoop of vanilla ice cream in the middle.

Our only disappointment?  When we ordered it my friend and I were sort of rooting for it to come in a log form with two balls of ice cream.  Would have made a much more interesting story.   But it didn't.

But I did sit next to KATE MOSS!  (...she did not have the chocolate salami.)

Monday, August 29, 2011

A Cure For Divorce?

Just letting you know you can check out my latest article on Huffington Post in response to a "Relationship Expert" who says he has a "Cure" for Divorce.

"Is There a Cure for Divorce?"

I'm sick.  And I didn't even know it.

According to an article by Dr. David Wygant on Huffington Post, divorce can be as preventable as the common cold, and Dr. Wygant, relationship therapist and dating expert, has the "cure."

Well, having been in a 12 year long marriage, I can relate to Dr. Wygant's basic theory that couples can get into a "You-don't-do-anything-for-me-so-I-won't-do-anything-for-you" downward spiral. I myself was the queen of it. In fact, I reigned supreme. But I believe his theory over-simplifies the complexities involved in the decision to divorce.

His basic hypothesis suggests that if two people can come together, they can stay together. But what he doesn't examine is whether or not they should stay together.

His article presumes that all people come together because they are mature, emotionally sound and ready to take "the plunge" (I'm sorry...I'm trying not to laugh...).

But what if two people come together for the wrong reasons?


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Difference Between Wealthy Spaniards and Jews

"Maria del Rosario Cayetana Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Francisca Fitz-James Stuart y de Silva (yes, that's one name) is one of the wealthiest women in all of Spain.  She is worth somewhere between $850 million and $5 billion--but not for long. The Duchess of Alba, 85, is giving it all away so she can marry the man she loves."

Remarkable story.  But not because she's giving away her money.   This woman's name is like a half a mile long!

Jews don't do this.  My mother doesn't even have a middle name.  My grandparents didn't  bother so they just gave her an initial, "F."  And it doesn't stand for anything. 

My name could have been Sarah Ellen Rebeccah Hannah Stacy Goldstein Winer Stein Schmidt.

Nah.  It just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Happy Camper

I grew up going to camp.

Every summer my parents would put me and my older sister on a plane, without any adult supervision, to travel from Philadelphia to Boston.  From there we would embark on a three hour bus trip to Poland, Maine, and our summer home -- Tripp Lake Camp.

And we loved it. Two months of a friend-filled, activity-packed, bunk-based living interspersed with cookies and crappy meals -- the shared ingestion of which bound you eternally to your fellow campers.  (Anybody out there remember Hot Dog soup?  Point made...) 

We wanted to go to camp.  We loved going to camp.  We BEGGED to go to camp!  And I felt a little guilty about it.

I used to imagine my parents, saddened by our departure sitting quietly in front of the TV eating Swanson Frozen Dinners trying to fill the void.  How could they not miss me?  I mean, what were they supposed to do without me and my sister?  It was obvious their summer trips to Europe, Greece and Spain were feeble attempts to keep their minds off of us.  To give them something to do until my sister and I returned from camp to fill their lives with joy.

I looked forward to visiting day knowing they would be thrilled to see me.  They would break free of the crowds of other parents to find me and my sister and they would shower us with comic books, iced tea mix and gum.  We would proudly present them pinched clay ashtrays we made in Arts & Crafts (it was the 70's) and they would feel complete once again.

Of this, I was sure.

Until this year when I sent my own beloved, oldest daughter to sleepaway camp for two months.  We hugged goodbye on her bunk porch and I held back a torrent of tears as I smoothed down her hair and assured her she would have the time of her life.   And as I drove down the dusty, gravely path to the camp exit, leaving her in the distance with her sobbing bunkmates I felt like somebody had ripped my heart out of my body.  I cried for three days.

Then I "woke up."

Within a week, the advantage of temporarily having one less child around was apparent.  Less fighting, less complaining, more peace and quiet.  It was nice.  Really, really nice.  My eight year old twins were ecstatic to have me all to themselves and I didn't have to concern myself with the daily trials of "tweenhood" angst that had recently invaded our home because I knew my daughter was, as confirmed in her letters home, "having the time of her life."  

I found myself imagining what it would be like when my twins were ready to go to camp -- I could stay out late, travel abroad, maybe I'd take up yoga...

And that's when I had an epiphany.  My parents LIKED sending us to camp!  Sure they missed us (I think...), of course they worried about us (I hope...), but they partied.  I'm sure of it.  They traveled, they went out to fancy dinners, they stayed out late, smoked in the house putting out their piling cigarettes in our lovingly made pinched clay ashtrays, and quite possibly danced on our beds to celebrate our absence.

It all became clear.  My parents had fun while we were away.  And I'm a little resentful they let me feel so guilty for so long.  

Sleepaway camp is good for everybody!  Sure I miss my daughter.  Every day I run out to my mailbox to see if there's mail from her.  I send a steady stream of letters and care packages filled with magazines, Mad Libs and other small non-food related offerings that show I'm thinking about her.  And she believes I miss her (which I do). 

In fact, this weekend was visiting day and I broke from the crowd to find her.  As I hugged my surprisingly taller girl, I felt complete.  Even the twins hugged their sister and more surprisingly, she hugged them back.  We were a family.  A happy family.  I brought her magazines and gum, she gave me ceramic fish sculptures (ashtrays are so passé) and we all enjoyed each other's company.  

At the end of visiting day, as we drove back down the dusty, gravely road to the camp exit, my twins surprised me -- they BEGGED me to let them go to camp next summer.   They assured me they were ready to handle two months without me and informed me it was "time to let them go."

And it may well be.  I'll be sad to send off all three children to camp next year.  The house will be so quiet and saying goodbye will be really hard -- on me.  I'll wait by the mailbox for letters, I'll send a never-ending stream of care packages, and I'll think about how very much I miss my wonderful children.

On the flip side... I've always wanted to see Spain.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Mommy Dearest and other Educational Films

My kids think I scream a lot.  They think I'm mean and bossy and just plain absolutely no fun at all.

Well last night I changed all that.

We watched "Mommy Dearest."

I was folding clothes in the TV room which means (according to Mom Rules) since I'm doing something "for everyone" in my house that I get to choose what I want.  (Obviously, I didn't have a lot of choices.)

They stayed for 2 minutes and lost interest because it was "old fashioned."

"Is she dead?" Izzy pointed to Faye Dunaway.


"Is she dead?"  Livi pointed to the little girl as christina.


"Are any of them dead?"  Izzy asked.


"What about the people they play?"


"Which ones."

"Joan Crawford.  She's dead.  Do you mind?  I'm watching the movie."

I guess the fact that somebody was dead intrigued her enough to watch more. 

Livi walked by just as Mommy Dearest was cutting a screaming Christina's hair for playing at her dressing table.  That was all she needed. "Wait!  Can you play that again?"


"I want to see her cut the girls hair off!"

"I'm not rewinding.  Trust me.  There will be more stuff like that."

Obviously, Livi was hooked.

By the time Joan was in the garden cutting down all of her rosebushes with her kids in their pajamas Ben was chewing on his blanket and sitting with us.

"What is she doing to the bushes?"

"She's chopping them down."


"She's sad and angry and freaking out."

"Why do her kids have to be there."

"Because she's MEAN and she's making them help her."

"You wouldn't make us do that, would you Mommy?"


He kept staring at me - shocked by this mother's behavior.

Part of me didn't want to satisfy his ridiculous concern "We don't have rose bushes."

"What if we did?"

"Ben...just watch.  Or leave the room."

He stayed.

Then came the wire hanger scene.

"OOO!  Ooo!  OIOOO! you guys!  Watch!  This is where the mommy goes REALLY crazy!" I started wringing my hands in anticipation.

As the wire hanger scene unfolded my kids were AWED by the mother's rage and TOTALLY CONFUSED by her hatred of wire hangers.  I told them I'd just be happy the clothes were up off the floor.

By the time Joan Crawford said "...clean up this mess." pointing to the wreckage of the closet and cleaner covered bathroom and left in a swerving, manic crazed daze (I have to say...I know that feeling), my kids thought I was a Goddess.

I shouted out "WHO HAS THE BEST MOMMY!"

"WE DO!" They shouted collectively and all hugged me.

I wonder when "The Step Father" is on?

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I Was In a Flashmob!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

My Interview with GenConnect

My interview with GenConnect at BlogHer '11.  (Note all the food cart people moving around oblivious to the fact I am being interviewed.  Yup.  People respect me.).

You Can Click Here for the Link to the Interview...

Monday, August 8, 2011

This Lunchbox is Closed Due to Health Violations

I am not a restaurant. 

Unfortunately, this is news to my three children, who daily submit their “orders” for school lunches.

Livi’s order? Turkey and white cheddar cheese on white bread.  No crust.  No mustard. No mayo: “TOTALLY PLAIN!” she specifies.

Ben’s order? Ham and orange cheddar cheese.  No crust.  A “teeny tiny…NO, NOT THAT MUCH!” bit of mayonnaise.

Izzy's “Peanut butter and honey on whole wheat WITH the crust on” and “something interesting.”  I kid you not.  She has actually asked me to surprise her with something “interesting.”

It’s obvious why I hate making lunches.  

Believe me, I’ve tried...

Want to read the rest of my Lunchtime Rant on The Today Show Blog?  Just click here.

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Rules of Monopoly and Other Commandments

It's 9:20pm.  We've been playing Monopoly since 10 this morning.  And it's getting personal.

We took a brake for lunch and even went for a walk.  But for the better part of the day, we've been locked in a battle of mortgages, construction and aggressive rent collection.

We take Monopoly very seriously.

Scott insisted we play by the rules.  That's why we don't really like playing with Scott.  We don't like to play by the rules.  We have our own little "family" rules - our little Monopoly "traditions" and if you don't like 'em - you shouldn't play with us.  For example, if you land on Go you get $500, and we always keep $500 in the middle for Free Parking.  Scott said money NEVER goes into the middle of the board - it ALWAYS goes into the bank.  But he's wrong.  Because that's not how I play.

The race to get the best properties and negotiate trades for monopolies was fierce.  With each turn around the board, everybody watched each other...waiting...ready to yell "RENT!" if anybody landed on their property.

We like to yell ""RENT!"  It's loud, it's obnoxious, and it makes the other person feel worse for landing on your property.

In fact, we like "RENT!"so much that if you DON'T yell "RENT!"you don't get you're rent.  Yeah, it grates on you eventually, but watching it grate on other people is worth suffering through it when it happens to you.  That's how we roll in our family.

After a few hours we knocked Scott out of the game (that's what he gets for pushing his stupid "rules"). He continued to play as Ben's "consultant."

It was all going my way until my daughter got Boardwalk.  It was fine at first, but then she started getting cocky about it.  And putting money into it.  And making money on it.  Then she started waving Boardwalk in front of me and pointing to MY massive complex of houses on my Orange Properties saying stuff like:

"Mommy, you can mortgage your houses.  Then you'll have enough to pay me when you land on Boardwalk."

"What if I don't land on Boardwalk."

"'ll land on Boardwalk.  Everybody does."  Then she nodded confidently and reorganized her money. Taking time to tap and neaten her $100s.  Livi loves to irritate people.  I found myself paying rent in small bills just to annoy her.

Meanwhile, Ben built up Kentucky Avenue and Illinois Ave - you know - just in case his mother, who was being sweet enough to visit was looking for a comfortable place to stay.

Then I landed on Illinois.



"$240 please!"

"Excuse me?"

"$240 smackarolas!" (nothing is more irritating then somebody about to take your money gives it a cutesy name)

I looked at my pile of money.  It didn't look too healthy.

"You're going to charge your mother rent?  The woman who gave you life?"

"Yes.  $240 please."

"Fine."  I flung my money at him.  It was easy to see where Livi gets her attitude.  I called him a Shmuck.  He giggled.

Then Ben landed on Tennessee - one of my beautifully built-up Orange properties.  I yelled "REEEENNNNNT!" Served him right.   It's a good life lesson any way.  After all, he can't live at home for free forever.

Then Ben landed on Park Place, Livi's Park Place - which she hadn't built up quite as much Boardwalk, but it posed a financial threat nonetheless.  Livi didn't notice.  She was occupied counting her money.

Scott said "OOoooooohhhhhh...!"

Livi looked up .  "REEEENNNNNT!"

Ben scowled at Scott.  "SCOTT!  YOU TOLD HER!"

"She would have noticed anyway!  Do you think she wouldn't have noticed you landed on Park Place?"

Inimitable Livi...She shrugged and said lightly "I probably wouldn't have noticed."  Happy to sink Scott in Ben's eyes.

Ben was pissed and glared at Scott.  Scott shrugged.  Ben handed over nearly all of his money to Livi.

- Livi landed on Tennessee where I had just put up hotels.  She handed me $950.
- I landed on Park Place which now had 4 houses.  I handed $1,300 over to Livi.
- Ben landed on Community chest and paid $40 in hospital fees.  He had $20 left.

Then, for the first time in 6 turns around the board, Livi rolled and landed on something of Ben's.   His hotel on Indiana.  He was jubiliant.

For the first time the whole game Livi was all frowns.

- Ben rebounded, BIG.  Money pouring in from his hotels on Red.

Then I landed on Boardwalk.

"REEENNT!  See?  I told you you'd land on Boardwalk."

She cleaned me out.  I started rooting for my other child.

- Livi held out for a while - rich with early cash infusions and enjoying the financial rewards reaped from me landing on her hotel on Boardwalk. 

And now, FINALLY, 11 HOURS LATER, it's down to the two of them.  My son and my daughter.  Battling it out for Financial Dominance.

Sure, one of them will win the game.  It' will probably be Livi.  And she'll dance around.  Taunting us.  Laughing.  Fanning herself with her money.

But that's okay.  Because one day, she'll come home to me after college graduation - spend a little time trying to find herself and get her sea legs.  We'll be so proud of what she's achieved and excited by all of the possibilities that lay before her.  I'll hold my hands out and she'll come in for a hug. 

And I'll say...


Tags: Monopoly, Game of Life, Hasbro, Family Game Night

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Every Town has a Tool...

Today I met the biggest tool in Woodstock.

He sat down right next to me (believe it or not, I look a lot more inviting than I sound) at breakfast at Oriole 9 (best french toast in Woodstock).  He must have thought he would have a good audience in me because he decided to share my bench.  First he tried to move it - with me on it - eating my french toast.  When he had trouble lifting it, he asked "do you mind..." at which point I lifted my fanny, mouth full of french toast, so he could move the bench to his liking.  I smiled so he would know I was fine with it.

He laid out all of his "paperwork" (I use quotes because I'm not sure he was actually doing anything useful - just trying to look useful).  He was "jotting" notes down on his paperwork furiously while simultaneously looking to catch somebody's eye so they could inquire as to what somebody so "busy and useful" might be doing.

I could feel him continuing to look at me.  Waiting for his opportunity to start a conversation.

Then he heard me asking the waitress if she knew of anybody who babysits in town because I was in from LA.

"Los Angeles!?  You're in from LA?!  I have a place in LA!  It's so nice to hear somebody say the words "Los Angeles."  That last line should have been a warning.

"Yes.  I live in LA."  Then I made my first mistake.  "Where's your place?"

"Santa Monica.  Well near Santa Monica (which is already weird because nobody from Santa Monica ever says "I live NEAR Santa Monica" to somebody else from LA. ).  But I also have a place in the city.  So I have three places really.  And now I'm here.  I'm not sure I want to keep paying for all three places though..."

Mistake #2 "Oh.  Well what do you do that you can be in all three places?  Are you a writer?"

"Yeah.  I'm a writer.  And an editor.  And a musician.  You know, I write music for movies and stuff.  All kinds of things..."

The waitress showed up to check on us.  I should have waved a white flag because he went on and on about I'm not sure what.  But he was incredibly passionate about it.  Whatever "it" was.  Somehow we got on the topic of the new Woody Allen movie and I said "I really liked it, even though I don't like Woody Allen."

"What's  a Woody Allen" asked Ben.

"Woody Allen is a director.  He's a person.  He makes movies.  And I don't really like him."  I said.


"Because he married his daughter and it's gross."

The tool then responded.  "I think it's great he married his daughter! YEAH, Man! Go!"

Livi looked at me like she just saw the face of crazy for the first time.

"Uh huh." and I turned away from him to break up a fight between Ben and Livi and hopefully end our conversation politely.

We ordered.  Then we waited for our food.  During which time Ben was all over his sister.  Pulling, pushing, grabbing.  Doing things hungry kids do.

"Ben, keep your hands to yourself, please."

Now anybody who knows Ben knows he's kind of "handsy".  He can't help himself.  He grabs everyone and everything.

Our food came and calmness ensued.  That's when the Tool leaned over.  "Do you mind if I discuss something with you?"

Thinking he wanted to talk about "writerly" things I thought I'd be friendly and said "okay..."

He then proceeded to tell me how he couldn't help but overhear me ask my son to "keep his hands to himself" and how I should never tell my son to "keep his hands to himself." (what more could I expect from somebody who respects Woody Allen's romantic choices).  "It's important he learn to be free and loving."

Then he added "I really appreciate you taking my advice on this.  I just see you squelching his natural urge..."

I'm not sure what he said after that but I wanted to squelch HIS natural urge.  I couldn't believe this TOOL was giving me parenting advice!

Unable to control myself, I smirked at him.  Actually laughing while I spoke to this idiot.  "Do you have kids?"

"I raised two boys from ages 3 - 10."  I wasn't even going to touch that weird statement or engage it since I was pretty sure he wanted to talk more about why he got the kids so late and why he doesn't have them anymore.

"Ah."  I continued laughing and turned away.  I thought that would just shut him down.  But no.

He went on to tell me how important it is to allow my son to express himself however he wanted.  There was more - I just don't remember any of it.  I couldn't stop composing my next blog post about him in my head.
I didn't even bother responding.

What do you say to people who just want to impose their advice on you?  They don't know you.  They don't know the children.  They know nothing of the circumstances and yet they feel qualified to FIX you.  Unbelievable.

Some tools are useful.  Helpful objects that help you achieve your goals - fixing a sink, hanging a picture...and then there are other tools - the ones who want to fix everybody else.

Yeah.  What a F*cking Tool.

Monday, July 11, 2011

GREAT REVIEWS for "Got Milf?"!

If you haven't gotten your copy of "Got Milf?" yet, I thought I would share some of the GREAT reviews it's been getting!  These reviews should assuage any fears of being seen reading it in public, worries it won't be informative, or general concern that it just might totally suck.

(Just a reminder, "Got Milf?" makes a great gift for new moms, Baby Showers, and girlfriends who could just use a good laugh (It is also available on Kindle!):

"Sarah Maizes's pioneering study seems destined to revolutionize the field of MILFology."
-David Javerbaum, former EP and head writer of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart", coauthor of "America (The Book)" and "What to Expect When You're Expected."

"Somewhere between the delivery room and the carpool line you lost your mojo. And though 'reclaim sex kitten status' is not at the top of your to-do list (hey, it's on there, though, way below 'Get baby food out of hair'), you're well aware of how important it is to shave your legs regularly. We'd like to suggest Got Milf? The Modern Mom's Guide to Feeling Fabulous, Looking Great, and Rocking a Minivan, a new book by Sarah Maizes, blogger, comedienne, and mom to three. The best way to describe the breezy read is this: It's the girlfriendish advice you're so good at giving but never take to heart yourself (be honest - did you shower today?). Full of hilarious, insightful, and quote- worthy tidbits (we're still reeling over 'Have sex before you go out to dinner'), the book enlightens and entertains without coming off as preachy. Maizes uses humor to remind you of all the reasons you're a mom others would like to ... ahem. After all, as she points out, if moms weren't doing the deed, we'd all be only children." 
-Daily Candy Kids

"Got MILF is an empowering book for moms, told from Maizes' point of view... It was refreshing to see Maizes take a derogatory term, turn it on its head, and take it in a positive direction."

"A funny look at modern-day motherhood with tons of tips and "aha" moments. But if you're not a mama, there's a lesson or two in there for you, too. In short, laugh more, stress less, and ... get your nails done? Well, yeah!"
-Vitamin G blog,

"Fresh, witty take on parenting with style."
-San Diego Family Magazine

"My husband has been telling me I'm a MILF for years-but he sort of had to if he ever wanted to get any action. Thanks to Sarah Maizes, now I believe him! After reading Got MILF? I am thinner, tanner and totally rocking my glorified station wagon." -Jenna McCarthy, author of If It Was Easy They'd Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon

"Sarah Maizes takes the Madonna/whore dichotomy and runs over it (and back over it) with her minivan. No matter what term for 'hot mom' you have adopted as your own, this book will make you laugh and inspire you to enjoy where you are right now in your life." -Stephanie Dolgoff, author of My Formerly Hot Life: Dispatches from Just the Other Side of Young

"Every mom has an inner MILF. This breakthrough book shows you how to get it out without major surgery." -Lenore Skenazy, author of the book and blog Free-Range Kids

Thank you to ALL of these wonderful people for their supportive words, and for reading the whole book front to back!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Dozing Off...

WARNING: T.M.I. (Too Much Information) Alert!   Read at your own risk...

My vagina fell asleep.  

I'd been sitting on this 200 year old hardwood chair for hours, writing, and I began to get that tingling sensation in my butt that told me I had been sitting too still for too long.  So I got up and walked around to stretch it all out.  Sure enough I noticed that that "sleeping" sensation had spread to somewhere quite unexpected.

This was disconcerting.

I can't ever recall my vagina falling asleep before.  Not that it's always engaged in activity, but at least it never decided,"Well, nothing's going on here.  I think I'll shut down for a while."

I remember at one point toward the end of my marriage asking my Gynocologist half-jokingly if he needed to dust me off before he performed a pap smear.  I may have offered him a crowbar.  I was grateful to learn it doesn't work that way. 

Or does it?

Maybe I've been holding out on my boyfriend for too long.  The holidays are a busy time and having the kids home full time for the past few weeks certainly has put a damper on our sex life.  But I really don't think it's necessary for my vagina to decide that it's bored.  That's just rude.

It's like my vagina has no faith in me.  Like it said..."'s been three weeks since I've been put to good use.  I've been down this road before, I know the drill.  It's gonna be a while.  I think I'll just take a little snooze."

And since when does a vagina need a nap anyway?  Alright, I'm in my early 40's and get the occasional hot flash in the middle of the night, but I had convinced myself they were caused of my heavy down comforter.  Is a sleepy vagina another sign of pre-menopause?  The reproductive organs get a bit squeaky and the vagina suddenly doesn't have the stamina of a 20 year old anymore?  Is it too much to ask for it to stay awake for an entire day? 

I wiggle my legs around a little and hope to wake it all up.  It resists.  I think it just grabbed the edge of my underwear and turned over to nap on its other side.  I don't want to listen to hard because I'm afraid I may hear it snoring.

Obviously, my boyfriend and I need a little time alone together.
Am I the only one who finds it ironic that a sleepy vagina is my wake-up call.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Filed under "Is It Just My kids?"

My twins are reading out loud to each other.  So sweet.

Now if only they weren't reading totally different books simultaneously...

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Kumba(f*ckin)ya...Or, "Camp and other Character Building Activities"

Camp is good.

Camp is where our children learn to live together - in peace and harmony.  They share bunks, break bread, and promise to be BFF's forever (yes, it's redundant...but they're 11...).

As parents, we send our kids to camp so they can learn about community, sharing and friendship.  All of the important traits that will help guide our children towards becoming responsible citizens and positive members of society.

Yes.  Camp is good.

The other day I dropped my oldest child off at sleep away camp where she'll be for 7 weeks.  I could feel the sense of "community" as I pulled up and through the gates festooned with banners saying "WELCOME BACK FAMILY!

I unpacked her bags, met and hugged lots of other parents, and waved goodbye to my oldest progeny as I headed toward my newly rented Nissan.

That's when I noticed the dent.  yes.  A big fat dent in the passenger side door of my car.  The car that was parked RIGHT outside my daughter's bunk alongside all of the other parent's car.

And no apology, information, or anything. 

Yes people.  A hit and run.  Smack dab on camp grounds in front of tons of people. 


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

What's REALLY Happened at The Today Show!

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be on The Today Show? I have. I’ve imagined chatting with the anchors as if we were old college chums and spouting fascinating, captivating bits of information. I have even imagined what I might wear - something blue.  I think I look smarter in blue.

Well, if you watched the show yesterday, you saw me.  ME!  Hangin’ out with Kathie Lee and Hoda, looking uncharacteristically put-together and being as friendly with them as if we hung out every morning braiding each other’s hair.

It was surreal!

I flew in from Los Angeles the night before and the next day arrived at Rockefeller Plaza at 8:30am (…uh…I wasn’t due until 10). I waited it out at Bouchon Bakery across the plaza downing coffee and trying to resist the sweet siren song of sticky buns.

From the counter where I sat you could see all of the people gathered outside the studio windows waving at the anchors inside - hoping to catch somebody’s attention. Soon, I would be one of those people…the ones “inside.” I wondered if anyone inside ever waved back. I would wave back…if anyone waved at me.

At 10am, I sauntered into 30 Rock where my editor and publicist were waiting to meet me. How unexpected! I had an ENTOURAGE! An NBC page (who told us it was her first week) escorted us to the “Green room” where we would wait for hair and make-up, and hang out until it was time for my interview.

For those of you who don’t know, the “Green Room” is the general term for “VIP room” - the holding room where the talented waits for their interviews. And oddly, Green rooms are never green. I think the only reason they call them “green rooms” is what happens to your face when the fear hits.

They’re not quite as glamorous as they sound, but there are some “amenities”:

Of course, there are snacks:

A “Be-Your-Own-Barista” Bar:

Interesting people like Today Show Anchor, Natalie Morales, stop by!

I tried on a few potential outfits I had brought for the show and my entourage (I love saying that…) agreed that the purple was best and assured me that it made me look about as intelligent as anything ever would.

The page came back to escort me to hair and make-up where a genius named Bobby and an artist name Anne transformed me from my everyday self into a glamorous looking “somebody”! (I won’t tell you how long it took them…)

But I will tell you, you have GOT to get on The Today Show for the hair and make-up alone! These people are fabulous! It was transformative!

After my hair was perfectly teased and twisted into a Julia Roberts’-esque hairdo and my makeup was flawlessly applied, I was instructed by my hair stylist to change into my outfit and NOT wreck the good work they had done!

So I’m all dolled up, ready for my “close up” and Angela Lansbury walked in. You wouldn’t believe this, but that lady is TALL! And WOW, she looked fabulous!

They sent me back to the green room to await my interview – getting more and more nervous ever second and broke into lunges ( my heels) to calm my nerves.  Mid-lunge, who should pop in but Bobby of Bobby’s Buzz! (Notice she’s wearing blue…)

My fabulous segment producer...

The youngest guest ever...

As I was nibbling on muffins and chatting with a very nice lady from Redbook Magazine who was doing a segment on cocktails, they came for me. I can’t tell you what happened next. I don’t remember much.

I remember walking out on set trying not to trip over the hundreds of cords and wires that snaked along the floor.

I remember shaking hands with both Kathie Lee and Hoda, unable to stand up to greet them because I was tethered to my perch by a microphone. And I will always remember a woman and her daughter, out on the street behind me, looking through the window, waving…at me.

You know what? I waved back.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

What's it REALLY Like Behind the Scenes at The Today Show

I'm dishin' about "behind the scenes" at The Today Show (or as I'm calling the article "why people on TV are prettier...") on

(Yes, that's me and Natalie Morales on the front page!...down a little your left...down...down...THERE I AM)!

Click here to read the story!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Today Moms - How I Learned to Embrace My Inner Milf!

Sure, sure, you all know I'm on The Today Show this morning!  And if you've missed it - the interview is already up and can be seen HERE.  It's funny to watch because I don't remember ANY of it! (...but I am going on a diet immediately...right after I eat this sticky bun...)

ALSO my article "How I Learned to Embrace My Inner Milf" is up on Today Moms.

I hope you enjoy it, tweet it, facebook it, and share it! The BIG PUSH is ON!!!!!


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

SET YOUR TiVOs!!! I'm on the Today Show Thursday, June 16th!


I have my dress, I have my shoes, and I have my heavy duty now all that's left to do is my eyebrows, color my roots, get a bikini wax (even if it doesn't's a MILFy must), get a manicure (Kathie Lee notices these things), pedicure....oh, and lose 15 lbs.  I wonder if I can accomplish all of that by Monday morning?

Watch out Kathie Lee and Hoda, HERE I COME!

Monday, May 30, 2011

The Fine Are of Doing Nothing

Right now, I’m doing nothing.

I mean, I’m writing this article, of course, but other than that, I’m doing absolutely nothing.  And so are my kids.

We’re off from school all week and we aren’t doing anything at all.  It’s lovely.

This surprises a lot of people.  “You’re off for a whole week?  Are you going anywhere?”


“Do you have any plans?”


“So, what are you going to do all week?”


“No, really.  What are doing?...”

It can be so hard for some people to grasp.

But the truth is, doing nothing can be so much better than doing something.  When you do nothing, you can go out to dinners and late movies with the kids without worrying about having to get up early the next day; When you do nothing, you can sleep in; When you do nothing, you can make crepes, build Lego towns and go for walks around the park.  You can make fabulous meals together, play board games and maybe…if you feel like you absolutely have to do something…you can tackle a few of the 80 million tasks around the house you never get around to because you’re too busy working, running carpools, and volunteering at school. 

As far as I’m concerned, “nothing’s” got it all over “something.”

Everyone always thinks they have to do something.  Sure a trip to Hawaii, a visit with family, or skiing in the mountains is great.  And when else can you do these things other than over school vacation.  Our cruise to Mexico last year sure was “something.”  But I don’t think I want to do something all of the time.  Not when there’s so much fun to be had doing nothing.

But we all know that when you get home from these “vacations” you wish you had another vacation just to recover.  Sightseeing, socializing, traveling – all of these things are exhausting.  I need a nap just thinking about it.

I’ll admit, I’m a little lazy.

I love a good nap, I love TV, and I love hanging out at home.

Why not give yourself and your family the ultimate vacation…a vacation from doing anything at all.

And here’s the great part.  It’s free!

On vacation days when we do nothing, we all sleep late.  We wear pajamas till noon (at least) and we make huge breakfasts.

We come and go as we please.  We enjoy not having to be anywhere or do anything.  We make spontaneous playdates and invite friends over to hang out and do nothing with us.  And I have to say, they all love it.

Why does everyone think you need to do something to be doing anything.  Nothing can be so relaxing.  It’s such a lovely break from doing “something” all of the time.

My favorite vacations are doing nothing.

Sure my kids protest when they hear we’re doing “nothing” over vacation:

“But Mom!  Sloane went to Las Vegas!”

“That’s nice.”

“Heather is going to San Francisco!”


“Coco is off to the bahamas!”

“Sounds like fun.”

But why aren’t we doing anything?

Because we’re going to be too busy doing Nothing.

“What????!!!”  Of course, this always horrifies them.  Like I’ve condemned them to a week in hell, But the truth is, they love it too.  They love not having to be anywhere, or achieve anything.  Not having to learn anything.  But I wonder, are they learning something after all?

Maybe in showing them how to do nothing, I’m teaching them the most valuable something of all.

They play Chinese jump rope, basketball in the driveway, ride bikes on the street, we go the library, we make stacks and stacks of pancakes, figure out our latest Wii games and make “crazy” muffins where I let the kids add whatever they want to a bowl, we add flour and baking powder, bake it and see what happens.

Right now they’re curled up on the sofa watching a movie.  They’re covered in blankets, .

I had a friend once question my philosophy on Staycations.  “But your daughter has such a wanderlust!  How can you keep her home?” 

Funny, they don’t look like they’re suffering.

Ideas for doing nothing:

Crazy muffins

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