Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Are there Hallmark Cards for Exes?

Today is Izzy's 11th birthday!

Last night (like every night before one of my kids' bithdays) I put a big balloon outside her door along with birthday presents.  That way, the second she wakes up and opens her door she gets a BIG "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" even though I'm still snoozing down the hall.  It's a good system.

She loves our tradition so much that she won't ever consider a sleepover on her birthday - even if it falls on the weekend.

But there's one more thing about her birthday that makes it very special for her.

It's her Daddy's birthday too.  Okay...he's my Ex, but he's still her daddy and we all think it's really cute (and very convenient) that she was his 39th birthday present.

Well, if you've done the math you already know.  Today, my ex is 50.

I didn't know this.  I mean, I did, but I just totally forgot.  Out of sight...out of mind, you know?  But this morning when the kids piled around the table for breakfast they shouted "DADDY'S 50 TODAY!"

"WHAT???!!!!"  I swear I got woozy.

"Daddy's 50.  Didn't you know that?!"  Izzy couldn't believe I didn't keep track of my ex-husband's birthday's as vigilantly as I tracked hers.

"NO!  That's not possible.  Seriously?"  I did a quick calculation in my head.  (as quick as one can calculate pre-coffee...)

"...he was born in '61...and it''sssss....ummmm...uh, 2011.  So, he'sssss...uuhhhhhh.."

"He's 50 mom."

"Yeah, I got that.  I just needed a minute."

"What's wrong mommy? Is 50 old?"

"YES!"  I shouted too fast.  "It's OOOLLLDDD!" (as if I wasn't still raw from the Sela Ward incident...)

I took a sip of my coffee and processed this information. "Holy crap..."

"MOMMY!  You said a bad word!  You owe us a dollar!"  Livi likes to make money.

"She owes us a whole lot of a hundred."  Ben likes to keep track of the money they make.

But Holy Crap, indeed.  My ex-husband is 50 years old.  And I was married to him, so I'm the ex-spouse of a 50 year old.

I'm going to need a day to process this.  And maybe a pair of shoes...and some highlights.

But in the meantime, I feel like I should give him a card or something.  I mean, we're still friendly.  In fact, he's like a brother.  A super irritating brother I can't be around for too long without wanting to run over with my car.

But he's the father of my children and even though we're not together anymore (and he drives me UP-THE-WALLLLL!!!!) he still deserves a certain amount of respect.  Well, Hallmark doesn't make cards for ex-spouses, but if they did, I imagine it would go something like this:

For a Very Special Ex-Husband

I wish you Happy Birthday
on this very special day...
and thank you for the child support
you monthly have to pay.

You really are a good guy
and you're holding up your end,
you take the time to see the kids
- you're nice to my boyfriend.

So I send you birthday wishes,
you're the best Ex all-around!
If I have to be divorced from someone, it's no contest,
You win, hands down!

Happy 50th Birthday!



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