Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...



Tuesday, January 18, 2011

"Together Forever": A Comedy?

This is a very different post than my usual stuff.  It's a comedy sketch I wrote a couple of years ago about a married couple discussing whether or not to renew their vows.

Just thought I'd share something fun since I can't write anything today because I am busy serving a steady stream of belgian waffles to my son who's home sick today with a 102 fever.  (Apparently, Belgian waffles make him feel better.)

Hope you enjoy. :)


TOGETHER FOREVER


A couple is sitting at a table in a restaurant. At the table next to theirs, a man is on presenting a ring to his girlfriend. She accepts. David is looking at his menu.

ALISON: Ohhh!! David, look!!! They’re getting engaged! Remember our wedding?

DAVID: (Not paying attention) Uh huh.

ALISON: I remember it like it was yesterday. You know, the Marcus’ are renewing their vows?

DAVID: Didn’t they do that last year?

ALISON: No, that was the Feinmans.

DAVID: Oh. (He continues reading his menu)

ALISON: Wouldn’t it be nice to renew our vows?

DAVID: What?

ALISON: You know, renew our commitment to each other.

DAVID: Oh. (He nods and goes back to his menu)

ALISON: All of our friends are renewing their vows. Isn’t that nice?

DAVID: (Dismissively) Uh huh. The scampi looks good, don’t you think?

ALISON: Let’s do it!

DAVID: Do what? Get the Scampi?

ALISON: Get married again!

DAVID: Um…we’re already married.

ALISON: I know. But you know what marriage is like these days. There’s this unspoken rule - it’s not REALLY forever until it’s forever.

DAVID: You know, the whole “Till Death do us Part” thing? That kind of wrapped it up for me. Are you ready to order?

ALISON: OK, okay.... (She looks at her menu) I hated my hair.

DAVID: Excuse me?

ALISON: My hair, at our wedding. It was awful. I looked like a freaky pageant queen.

DAVID: You were a beautiful bride.

ALISON: Every time I look at our wedding album, I cringe.

DAVID: We’re not renewing our vows so you can redo your hair.


ALISON: This isn’t just about that. It would be nice to know that we’ll be together in our old age. That you won’t throw me away like old underwear.

DAVID: I don’t throw away old underwear.

ALISON: Seriously, vow renewals are very common. Everyone’s doing it.

DAVID: It’s a scam to get people like the Marcus’ to cough up the funds TWICE for the most expensive event of their lives. Let’s just drop it, ok?

ALISON: Alright. [Beat – back to her menu] Did you hear? The Mason’s are getting divorced.

DAVID: NO! Really? Why?


ALISON: He’s having an affair. (Beat) It was so obvious.

DAVID: It was? How?

ALISON: He wouldn’t renew his vows.

DAVID: OK, enough! Just because I don’t want to get married “again” doesn’t mean I’m having an affair.

ALISON: All I’m saying is that it’s a sign.

DAVID: No, it's not!

ALISON:  It could be.

DAVID: I am…[aware of people staring] I am NOT having an affair.

ALISON: Well, if you’re willing to be exclusive, why not make it official?


DAVID: Are you kidding me? [He holds up her ring finger] This officially cost me several house payments!

ALISON: [Ignoring him] I always dreamed I’d wear a Pink Chanel Boucle suit to my vow renewal ceremony. There’d be a harp and heavy hors d’ouevres.

DAVID: You’ve been planning this?

ALISON: Since the day we got married.

DAVID: WHAT??!!

ALISON: I just want to hear that you would choose me all over again. (On the verge of tears) That you still love me.

DAVID: I do love you!

ALISON: (Crying) You won’t marry me – I mean again!

DAVID: This is ridiculous. We have 3 kids, 2 dogs and we share hemorrhoid medicine. How much more “married” can we be?!

Alison sobs loudly as everyone in the restaurant turns to look.

DAVID: OK, ok! Fine! If it’s so important to you, I’ll do it. Let’s renew our vows. (He gets down on one knee) Look! “Alison Mary Finklestein: Will you marry me – again…”

ALISON: You mean it???? Oh, David, I love you!!!! …

DAVID: I love you too.

The newly engaged couple at the next table sees this.

Woman: Oh, look! That’s so cute! They’re getting married, again. I can’t wait till we renew our vows!

Man: Uh...can we set a date for our wedding first?

BLACKOUT

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