Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Friday, April 29, 2011

My Royal Wedding Slumber Party

Guess what I did last night?

That's right.  I watched the Royal Wedding, and I'm not ashamed to say it.

I was 13 when Princess Diana married Prince Charles and I remember being at sleepaway camp in Maine.  ALL of the girls got up in the middle of the night to watch the wedding.  Wearing our pajamas, we carried our blankets and pillows through the woods from our cabins to the main lodge and set up camp in front of the only TV on site - a massive cube on legs set at one end of a log cabin.  We had to adjust the rabbit ear antennae a few times to get a clearer picture, and it was a little grainy, but I remember seeing Diana float out of the carriage and down the aisle.  It was history in the making and I savored it.

I really wanted my kids to have a memory like that.

So I posted a Facebook status saying "I'm watching the Royal Wedding tonight...who's with me?" and got a call from a girlfriend who shared my enthusiasm for the fantastical nuptuals saying "WE ARE!"

She invited us to sleep over so we could wake the kids together in the middle of the night to watch the wedding.

Izzy was skeptically on board "Okay."

"Don't you want to??  This is history here!  You'll be witnessing HISTORY!!  AS IT HAPPENS!"  I couldn't believe she wasn't more enthusiastic.  Sometimes kids just don't "get it."


Of course, Livi was PSYCHED!  Ben passed on the experience with a " thanks, Mommy" and he stayed home with Scott.

We drove over to my friend's house at 9pm and the kids went to sleep.  My friend's husband was good enough and let me take his side of the bed while he moved to his son's room.  The "boys" did not want to be disturbed.

Princess Eugenie of York and Princess Beatrice of York arrive at Westminster Abbey for the wedding ceremony of Prince William and Kate MiddletonThen my friend and I went over the schedule of "things not to miss" from CNN and set the clock for 2:15am (when the procession to the Abbey would be wrapping up).

The alarm went off.  We turned on the TV and it was suddenly like being 13 years old again (but in High Def).  We watched as guests paraded in.  We  rated hats and outfits (and can I just say "What the heck was Princess Beatrice and Eugenie wearing??  They looked like evil step sisters in a Tim Burton film!)

PHOTO: Britain's Queen Elizabeth II stand outside of Westminster Abbey after the Royal Wedding in London, April, 29, 2011.We giggled and gasped.  And when the debate over what color the Queen would wear was finally put to rest, we agreed that the queen was cute but looked like a Peep.  

When it was closer to "bride time" we woke the girls who joined us in bed.  We all snuggled together and watched a fairy tale come to life.

I thought Kate was flawless (and I lost my bet she'd be in Temperley) in her modernized version of Princess Grace's gown, and I loved how her blusher veil smoothed next to her face and body in the wind.   Tres Elegant.  (And if I ever get remarried - I want a dress JUST like Pippa's!  So maybe it won't be white...)

Like any wedding, there were lulls and when the couple went to sign the Wedding Register we totally lost the kids.  Izzy asked "Is that it?  Can I go back to sleep now?"

This morning, exhausted, I drove the kids to school from my friend's house.  Izzy said "I'm happy I did this.  In 15 years  I can say I watched the wedding."

I can live with that.  She at least "gets it" and that sometimes you  do things because they'll mean more  later on.  Like when she has kids and there is another Royal Wedding (William and Kate's children?) and she wakes her kids in the middle of the night to snuggle in bed and watch history be made.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Makins' of a Perfect Birthday

It can be hard to celebrate your kid's birthday when you're out of town.

I know this because the twins just turned 8 while we were in Washington D.C.

Being so far from home all of our traditional birthday rituals went right out the window.  This is particularly unfortunate because over the course of the past 11 years I've made such a big deal about making special birthday rituals for my kids (can you spell "compensating"?) but I had never put any thought into the importance of making those rituals portable.

I should have.

For each of my children's birthdays, I sneak out the night before to procure a large colorful mylar balloon.  I then secure the floating celebratory wishes to a gift that's been purchased and hidden for more than a week.  I then attach a card I've thoughtfully picked out and endorsed with an equally thoughtfully composed personal message.

The whole "thing" is then placed in front of said birthday child's bedroom door so that they wake up - WHAM!  They're smacked in the face with birthday salutations and love.  Nice, right?  Yeah.  I can be a good mom.  Here is a picture from Isabel's 11th birthday - see how festive it looks?

Turns out this is really hard to do 2000 miles away from home.

First of all, there's the 75 lb suitcase to contend with.  (My kids play a little game every time we travel.  It's called "Guess how much Mommy's bag weighs."  The winner gets the window seat).  Of course, it's jam packed with the essentials.  Everything I might need for an impromptu book signing: a professional grade hair dryer, 3 brushes, 20 outfits, 7 pairs of shoes, 5 pairs of pajamas, workout clothes (I would never use...but JUST in case), 3 pairs of boots, 5 purses/clutches, my entire collection of make-up and a huge bag of expensive shampoos, conditioners and hair products (...which would later be confiscated at the airport gate because my bag was too heavy and I had to quickly choose stuff to move into my carry-on bag because they wouldn't take my over-sized bag and I momentarily forgot the threat to national security posed by luxury hair products.

Obviously, I had no space for the twins' presents. 

So the day of their birthday, while we were at lunch at Union Station in D.C., Izzy and I pretended to eat slowly so that my mom (who is with us on the trip) could take the twins on a walk through the station.  Izzy and I slipped away to try to find cards and presents.  We found a card store!  GOLD!  After finding a couple of cards we were lucky enough to find an ugly doll for Ben at a souvenier shop (insert whatever political joke you'd like...I'm too tired)" and a small sock monkey and fruity smelling nail polish for Livi at Claire's.  I hid the stuff in my tote (yes, AFTER paying for it...).

So the night before their birthday we're in the hotel room when I realize I have no gift wrap and I still need balloons.  I call the concierge.  He tells me there is a place across town I could take a cab to to POSSIBLY buy balloons but it's late at night (my kids are on California time so they went to bed at 11pm) and they might not be open.  Great.  Sounds promising.  Not.

So I call some other guy at the front desk and spelled out my plight.  "Surely you have balloons SOMEWHERE, don't you??  You're a huge hotel (we stayed at the Hyatt Regency on Capital Hill)!"  They sounded sympathetic.  I was cheered.  He promised to look around and call me back.  He didn't.

So by 11:45pm I'm contemplating making origami balloons (I can do this, you know...) I run to the lobby and find some colorful reusable sacks in the gift shop (which was about to close) and some M&M encrusted chocolate pretzels that looked suspiciously mature.

So I unload my giftshop haul on the floor next to the bed.  Livi was sharing a bed with me and was fast asleep.  So in the dark - by the light of the bathroom (I cracked the door with the light on) - I wrapped the gifts, wrote the cards, assembled little birthday packages and hung them on the doorknobs of our rooms.

When the twins woke up they didn't even look around.  They were just happy it was their birthday.  We had to point out the birthday bundles hanging on the door "Livi! Ben! Look!  There's something for you!"  They were happy - but I was underwhelmed.

Instead of big balloons and the perfect gift.  It was reusable sacks, gift shop souveniers and old pretzels.

We spent their birthday walking around a drizzly D.C.

We saw the White House...

We saw  Kermit and Dorothy's Ruby Slippers at the Smithsonian:

We wore impromptu plastic bag ponchos as we walked to the Lincoln Memorial:

and we stood in line in the rain for over an hour at Georgetown cupcakes (The place from the TLC show "DC Cupcakes" - totally worth it by the way...the lava fudge cupcake was INSANE!)

We then ended our day with a delicious dinner at a local pub where they let us light candles on our cupcakes.  Ben and Livi were thrilled.  Exhausted from a full day and chocolate cupcakes, we all went back to the hotel and passed out.

It wasn't the "perfect" birthday I imagined or had hoped for for them.  Certainly not "perfect" the way I thought it ought to be, but it was, if nothing else, really memorable and very special.

Scott had balloons waiting for them when we got home to LA but they barely noticed.  Their birthday was already a fond memory.

So I'm thinking...maybe, like Christmas, birthdays can come and go with or without all the bells and whistles.  You don't need fancy parties, expensive gifts and the perfect store-bought cards.

You just need the people you love and something special to share.

And that, for sure, will fit in my suitcase.

Friday, April 15, 2011

MILF of the Week: Leslie Mann (...My New BFF?)

Last week I was invited to the Premiere of "Rio" and I got to do all that "press-y" stuff "press" people get to do.  Talk to famous people, take pictures, get a CAR SERVICE!!!!  It was all very exciting.

But the highlight of the day?  A round-table interview with Leslie Mann (you know, from "knocked-up" and "funny people").

I have to say, LESLIE MANN IS SUPREMELY MIFLY!  Gorgeous, adorable, funny and surprisingly self-deprecating, she took precious time out of her press schedule to talk to me and a few other Mom Bloggers about being the voice of Linda in "Rio," what it's like to be a working mom, and how she and her husband (One of my absolute FAVORITE writers, Judd Apatow!) manage to raise normal children in Hollywood.

I LOVED her!  She was so down-to-earth - even sharing the fact she'd had to tape down her boobs so they didn't show through her dress for the premiere!  What Hollywood Starlet shares like that??!  Leslie Mann does and I totally love her for it!

Leslie, thank you  so much for your time.  The film was gorgeous and entertaining (it really is - your kids will love it) and at the risk of sounding like a crazed stalker fan, I just want to tell you again that I think you are amazing.  Thanks for the facial recipe! me!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

KTLA supports the "Milf" Movement

Here's the clip from my KTLA spot yesterday. (I'm sure that means Charo's bit is up on YouTube too - you almost have to can you not?).

Thank you to Jessica, Michaela and Sam! 

Got Good Reviews??? - THANK YOU Marie Claire!

Please forgive me if I am over-doing it - but I'm just excited about "Got Milf?"  I'll all be over soon and you can go back to enjoying my Mommy Lite tales of my ineptitude and general lack of parental competence.  :)

But not today. :)  Today I feel AMAZING (except for a bit of a headache from talking so much over the past few days...)!  I got a great review from Marie Claire, and it just put me over the top.  I had to share:

"Hilarious and Enlightening!  Got MILF is a 200-page reflection on the power of motherhood, and the everyday strength and beauty that a mom radiates...and Maizes had me laughing the whole way. Maizes spins "MILF" into something positive. "MILF," in Maizes' world is not about being "hot," it's about being strong and confident on the inside. This book would make a great Mother's Day gift! I hope, one day, to be called a DILF - and not merely because I'm super hot, as Maizes rightly points out, in this groundbreaking and humorous new title."

- Rich Santos, Aspiring DILF and Dating Blogger on Marie (

Rich...if you read this...your check is in the mail.  :)  Thank you so much!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

"Got Milf?" - Book Soup Reading & Discussion

This is seriously the most exciting week of my life! I feel like I've given birth! (I'm not holding a screaming baby and my vagina doesn't hurt.) 

Last night's Elie Tahari party at Fashion Island was SO FUN!  A "Real Housewife of Orange County" showed up and she asked for MY autograph!  I tried to be cool and pretend I'm not addicted to the show.  Pics to follow.

This morning, I was on KTLA!  Not sure when the link will be up, but I think it went okay.  Of course, I spilled coffee on my brand Elie Tahari new shirt RIGHT before I went on....but that's why "Milfs wear layers."

But BACKSTAGE WAS HILARIOUS.  Guess who was there?...

              ....are you ready??? 

            might want to sit down for this....You'll never guess....


She's still around!  (who knew!?)  And she was up there shakin' it like a polaroid picture.  Of course, it might have been old age, but counted as "shakin'"  (And I can't do who am I to judge.)

And I also met Kendra Wilkinson - who I was pleasantly surprised to discover is really friggin' cute in person!  And I am dubbing her "MILF of the Day!" 

(I think I made a new BFF. :)

Tonight's event?  BOOK SOUP on Sunset Boulevard in West Hollywood at 7pm (just click this link for details).  We'll be having a reading and heated (i.e. judgemental) discussion about motherhood. Joining me will be Dani Klein Modisett the creator of "Afterbirth: Stories you won't read in any Parenting Magazine"

Come be judged!  Or come judge us!  Either way, just come...and enjoy a "Skinny Girl Margarita!"

(Space is limited, so you might want to be there early.)

"MILF or MILF DUD?" - We have a winner!

Well, GOT MILF? is officially out in stores and that we (well..."me"...) are celebrating the publication by announcing TWO winners to my "Milf or Milf Dud?" contest!  As you know, everyone who commented on our daily Milf suggestions, was entered in a drawing to win either a signed copy of "Got Milf?" or a Jessica Eliot "Milf" Necklace!   And our winners are...

Free signed copy of "Got Milf?" goes to Colin Sokolowski!

The winner of the Jessica Eliot "Milf" necklace?!  Ilene Grossman!

Thank you so much to everyone for playing "Milf or Milf Dud?" and celebrating MILFDOM with me!

Monday, April 4, 2011


This is just a reminder that if you live in, around, or anywhere near the OC,  the very first "GOT MILF?" book launch party is being hosted by Elie Tahari at Fashion Island (what I'm told is quite possibly the "fanciest mall in america!"...I don't know about you, but that excites me!...)

It's free to attend, but space is limited (and getting more so...thanks to the recent article in HAUTE LIVING), so you have to RSVP ASAP to get on the list!

There will be light food, cocktails and everyone who attends will get a FREE signed copy of "Got Milf?" and a $100 gift certificate to Elie Tahari to use if you like that evening!  

A portion of the proceeds of the evening will benefit Autism Speaks.

Here is the invite and I hope to meet you there!  (For those MommyLite readers who are wondering...yes, I plan on showering...and I am wearing a dress.  Don't fall over...)

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