Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Dozing Off...

WARNING: T.M.I. (Too Much Information) Alert!   Read at your own risk...

My vagina fell asleep.  

I'd been sitting on this 200 year old hardwood chair for hours, writing, and I began to get that tingling sensation in my butt that told me I had been sitting too still for too long.  So I got up and walked around to stretch it all out.  Sure enough I noticed that that "sleeping" sensation had spread to somewhere quite unexpected.

This was disconcerting.

I can't ever recall my vagina falling asleep before.  Not that it's always engaged in activity, but at least it never decided,"Well, nothing's going on here.  I think I'll shut down for a while."

I remember at one point toward the end of my marriage asking my Gynocologist half-jokingly if he needed to dust me off before he performed a pap smear.  I may have offered him a crowbar.  I was grateful to learn it doesn't work that way. 

Or does it?

Maybe I've been holding out on my boyfriend for too long.  The holidays are a busy time and having the kids home full time for the past few weeks certainly has put a damper on our sex life.  But I really don't think it's necessary for my vagina to decide that it's bored.  That's just rude.

It's like my vagina has no faith in me.  Like it said..."'s been three weeks since I've been put to good use.  I've been down this road before, I know the drill.  It's gonna be a while.  I think I'll just take a little snooze."

And since when does a vagina need a nap anyway?  Alright, I'm in my early 40's and get the occasional hot flash in the middle of the night, but I had convinced myself they were caused of my heavy down comforter.  Is a sleepy vagina another sign of pre-menopause?  The reproductive organs get a bit squeaky and the vagina suddenly doesn't have the stamina of a 20 year old anymore?  Is it too much to ask for it to stay awake for an entire day? 

I wiggle my legs around a little and hope to wake it all up.  It resists.  I think it just grabbed the edge of my underwear and turned over to nap on its other side.  I don't want to listen to hard because I'm afraid I may hear it snoring.

Obviously, my boyfriend and I need a little time alone together.
Am I the only one who finds it ironic that a sleepy vagina is my wake-up call.

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