Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Monday, October 31, 2011

Illegal Activity...

In honor of Halloween, I am re-posting my favorite Halloween post ever!  (I'm SO wishing I could find this costume right now...)

I illegally entered someone's home the other day.  I didn't mean to.  My intentions were honorable.  I was just looking for cake.

Security rolled by in a golfcart and eyeballed me as I ran out the front door of some woman's home dressed in a toga and clinging a handful of cash.

Let me back up.

Last week was my boyfriend's birthday.  Friday night we had ten of his old friends over for Baked Ziti, and Martinis.  I wanted it to be a perfect evening.  Of course, this meant ordering the perfect cake.

Chocolate Chocolate Chip cake with Bittersweet Buttercream Scharffengerger Chocolate frosting.  Ten inches and 4 layers of beautiful, fudgey, chippy and tasty perfection made by Laura's Cake Kitchen (you may know her as Laura from My Life Is a Piece Of Cake.  She's a cakey genius and she likes to get paid in cash).

Friday was also the last day of school before Halloween - which means ALL THREE kids had Halloween parties in their classes AS WELL AS a halloween parade on the school yard.

So as soon as I drop off my kids at school, I'm making ziti, moving furniture, setting the table, polishing my grandmother's silver and laying out china my sister later tells me shouldn't be eaten on because it contains lead.

By 11:30 the sauce is made, the ziti is boiled, the table is set and the flowers are arranged.

I put on my costume (the kids insisted I wear one in a show of solidarity - I was Athena, Goddess of Wisdom).  I grab my daughters stuffed owl to accentuate my Goddessness (Athena's symbol - but I don't think she carried a Webkinz) and ran out the door.  (Complicated hairdo shown in photo).

I spent the next hour and a half running from classroom to classroom as a part of my own personal "no child left behind" policy and managed to help get each party up and running. 

I looked at my watch.  I had a 1 hour window till the Halloween Parade started on the school yard.

I thought about the cake waiting for me across town at Laura's house.  Could I make it?  It's tight.

I took a chance.

I made it to her housing complex in 20 minutes.  I park.  I call Laura on the phone to tell her I'm at her house.  Meanwhile, she's at HER kids school applying Vampire make-up to one of her four children, but she says the door to her house is open and the cake is waiting. 

I walk in to the house while talking to her on the phone so she can direct me where to go.

I tell her "Laura, I'm putting the cash on your dining room under the brush on the table.  Next to the pumpkin."

She's distracted. "Okay.  No Luke, the blood looks good there."  

I keep walking through the house. "I'm heading into your kitchen."  There's a child's scream on the other end of the phone.  I look in the fridge.  No cake.  My stomach drops.  Someone stole my cake!

"Laura!  There's no cake in here!"

"It's right there."  She says.

"I'm looking in your fridge right now and there is no cake."

"It's not in the fridge.  Why are you in the fridge?"

"I thought you said it's in the fridge."

"It's not in the fridge.  It's on the dining room table.  Luke, stop playing with your blood."

"Oh."  I close the fridge and walk back out.

No cake.

"Laura.  There's no cake on the table!"  I'm hyperventilating...visions of fudgy goodness slipping through my fingers.

"It's right there!"

"NO!  It's not!  There's just a big pumpkin!"

"What's with the pumpkin!  There's no pumpkin.  Only a cake."

"I'm looking at your table and there's no cake.  There's a pumpkin and some placemats..."

"Placemats?  I don't have placemats on the table.  Where are you?"

"I'm in your living room.  I'm looking at your TV area, there's a pink wooden kitchen in the corner - oh, that's cute..."

She's hysterical laughing on the end of the line.  "'re in the wrong house."

I am suddenly very aware of the fact that I have just raided some stranger's fridge, and am now standing in the middle of their living room dressed like a drunk sorority girl.  I grabbed my cash from under the hairbrush and took off out the door, JUST in time for security to drive by.

I think he would have stopped me for questioning if I hadn't been dressed in a toga, clinging to a small furry owl, and bent over, crying of laughter on some woman's front lawn.  I think he was afraid.  I would be. 

I went to the house next door, found my cake, left the cash and hopped back in my car.

I made it back to my kids' school JUST in time for the first graders to make their rounds on the school track in their costumes.

I took a ton of pictures as each child smiled as they passed me on the track.   Completely unaware that their mother narrowly escaped the law.  Again.

Unless of course there's an APB out right now for a tall, middle-aged brunette woman in a toga carrying a stuffed owl.  Check your local post offices and let me know.

P.S.  The cake was CRAZY FANTASTIC!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

My Biggest "Mama Beef" Is...

We're talking "Mom Beefs" on "Tell Me More" with Michel Martin on NPR this morning.

Aren't you SOOOOOOOO curious to know who really pisses us off?

You can click the link below to hear the the show. It'll make you want to rant...

Monday, October 24, 2011

An Open Letter to "Parker Brothers":

To the makers of "Scattergories",

I am hoping you can help me.  I need a new timer for our game.

I recently brought Scattergories on a "girl's weekend."  Yes, a good time was had by all.  However, I left the game in my car overnight.

This morning, I ran errands and heard an ongoing "tick, tick, tick, tick, tick..." Unsure what it was or whether or not a bomb had been planted in my car by another angry mother at school, I pulled over.  I discovered it was the timer in your game.  Apparently, the mild jolt of the car caused the timer to depress and start "timing."  So I gently pushed the timer to stop, got back in the car and went on my way.

As I continued on my morning errands I hit a little bump in the road.  Again..."tick, tick, tick, tick, tick..." I aimed for another bump thinking if I just jostled the game in the car it would stop.  It did.

Then I turned the corner.  Again "tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick..."

I swerved.  Nothing.  I slammed on the brakes.  Nothing.  I hit a large pothole that might cost me a new muffler.  "tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick....."

It wouldn't stop.  It must have gone into "crunch timer mode" because the ticking got faster and more urgent.  Then finally it stopped.

Then I turned another corner.  10 minutes later I pulled into my driveway I went to the back of my car.  I pulled out the timer.  I carefully placed it under the rear wheel of my car and drove over it.

I would be most grateful if you could please send me a new timer for our game.  I'll pay for the muffler.


Sarah Maizes

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Wiping the Habit...

My family has a "Pack A Day" habit. 
No not cigarettes.  Toilet paper.

We go through it like...well I'd say tissue paper, but that seems a obvious.  And redundant. 

I don't know how we do it...use so much toilet paper I mean.

I don't believe that collectively we go to the bathroom anymore than normal people.  I mean, Livi does drink a lot of juice...

I think they're just using so MUCH of it.  We're killing trees left and right...or should I say front and back.

I just realized that I was changing the roll in my bathroom every day.  In fact, we go through rolls so quickly we even kept a "back up" roll sitting on the pile of magazines next to the toilet.

How can a family of four use so much toilet paper??  I wanted to get to the bottom of this mystery (pun not intended...) so I spied on my kids wiping.  I realize this might be illegal in some states, but I felt like as a citizen of the Earth, it was my duty to find out how all of these resources were being used.

It's interesting to see each has their own methodology.  I won't go into details, but MAN - they do use a LOT of toilet paper.

Did you know there are people who don't even use toilet paper?  I'm not joking.  My massage therapist used to live with a guy who didn't wipe.  He was a Vegan and he believed his body was so clean that he didn't need it.

Ew. (Shutter...)  I don't think we want to go that route...

Does anyone else have this problem?  Is it my family alone that is responsible for the deforestation of the entire Southern Hemisphere?

Do I start rationing TP? 

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Lice Expert

I think I have officially become an expert on lice...This must be my fourth article this year about the little buggers...

Fun conversation though on TodayMoms...Do you tell people when your kid gets lice?

Thursday, October 6, 2011

In Memory of Steve Jobs

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life,” Jobs said. “Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

-Steve Jobs 1955-2011

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