Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...



Monday, May 30, 2011

The Fine Are of Doing Nothing


Right now, I’m doing nothing.

I mean, I’m writing this article, of course, but other than that, I’m doing absolutely nothing.  And so are my kids.

We’re off from school all week and we aren’t doing anything at all.  It’s lovely.

This surprises a lot of people.  “You’re off for a whole week?  Are you going anywhere?”

“Nope.”

“Do you have any plans?”

“Nope.”

“So, what are you going to do all week?”

“Nothing.”

“No, really.  What are doing?...”

It can be so hard for some people to grasp.

But the truth is, doing nothing can be so much better than doing something.  When you do nothing, you can go out to dinners and late movies with the kids without worrying about having to get up early the next day; When you do nothing, you can sleep in; When you do nothing, you can make crepes, build Lego towns and go for walks around the park.  You can make fabulous meals together, play board games and maybe…if you feel like you absolutely have to do something…you can tackle a few of the 80 million tasks around the house you never get around to because you’re too busy working, running carpools, and volunteering at school. 

As far as I’m concerned, “nothing’s” got it all over “something.”

Everyone always thinks they have to do something.  Sure a trip to Hawaii, a visit with family, or skiing in the mountains is great.  And when else can you do these things other than over school vacation.  Our cruise to Mexico last year sure was “something.”  But I don’t think I want to do something all of the time.  Not when there’s so much fun to be had doing nothing.

But we all know that when you get home from these “vacations” you wish you had another vacation just to recover.  Sightseeing, socializing, traveling – all of these things are exhausting.  I need a nap just thinking about it.

I’ll admit, I’m a little lazy.

I love a good nap, I love TV, and I love hanging out at home.

Why not give yourself and your family the ultimate vacation…a vacation from doing anything at all.

And here’s the great part.  It’s free!

On vacation days when we do nothing, we all sleep late.  We wear pajamas till noon (at least) and we make huge breakfasts.

We come and go as we please.  We enjoy not having to be anywhere or do anything.  We make spontaneous playdates and invite friends over to hang out and do nothing with us.  And I have to say, they all love it.

Why does everyone think you need to do something to be doing anything.  Nothing can be so relaxing.  It’s such a lovely break from doing “something” all of the time.


My favorite vacations are doing nothing.

Sure my kids protest when they hear we’re doing “nothing” over vacation:

“But Mom!  Sloane went to Las Vegas!”

“That’s nice.”

“Heather is going to San Francisco!”

“Great!”

“Coco is off to the bahamas!”

“Sounds like fun.”

But why aren’t we doing anything?

Because we’re going to be too busy doing Nothing.

“What????!!!”  Of course, this always horrifies them.  Like I’ve condemned them to a week in hell, But the truth is, they love it too.  They love not having to be anywhere, or achieve anything.  Not having to learn anything.  But I wonder, are they learning something after all?

Maybe in showing them how to do nothing, I’m teaching them the most valuable something of all.

They play Chinese jump rope, basketball in the driveway, ride bikes on the street, we go the library, we make stacks and stacks of pancakes, figure out our latest Wii games and make “crazy” muffins where I let the kids add whatever they want to a bowl, we add flour and baking powder, bake it and see what happens.

Right now they’re curled up on the sofa watching a movie.  They’re covered in blankets, .

I had a friend once question my philosophy on Staycations.  “But your daughter has such a wanderlust!  How can you keep her home?” 

Funny, they don’t look like they’re suffering.

Ideas for doing nothing:

Crazy muffins

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Weird Parenting: Raising a Gender-Free Child

I am considering instituting a weekly segment called "Weird Parenting." (You know, just a little place where I can weekly judge people...)

The second installation in the news of "Weird Parenting" (I won't talk about the first one last week because I refuse to give her any more attention) are the parents of 4 month old "Storm" - Kathy Witterick and David Stocker of Toronto, Canada.

They refuse to disclose Storm's gender.

I can understand wanting to shirk traditional pink and blue baby blankets - not draping a child in gender from the beginning. And personally, I never bought into a tiny worm as a quarterback or needing a headband.

But by choosing to deny Storm gender until Storm can choose for Storm's self, are they setting Storm up for a wholly different kind of labeling?  Can you avoid labels simply by ignoring them or do you simply leave room for something else to fill the "label" void.

The father was quoted as saying "Parents make so many choices for their child it's obnoxious..."   Like gender?   Is "facilitating" your child's gender "obnoxious"?   Is it "presumptuous" of us to project manhood or womanhood onto a baby simply because of genitalia?  To prepare them to find a place in society?   Isn't that what we do as parents? 

I'm not saying the child has to "conform." I am ALL for not conforming to societies "expectations."
But is gender and the role that comes with gender ALL about conforming?  Sure some of it is - I suppose a lot of it is - hence feminism.  But certainly not all of gender is about conforming.  I see gender as a way we define ourselves TO ourselves.   How we identify with others around us, and how we choose role models for ourselves.  I don't think allowing a child their gender means trapping them in it - certainly not anymore.

And aren't they making a choice right now for Storm?   Sure, it's nice for Storm to choose (oy) Storm's friends based on whom Storm prefers. Sure Storm is free to dress as Storm likes without society casting aspersions.

But taking away Storm's gender altogether?  What are they really giving Storm?

The older son, Jazz, is free to choose hair length, clothing style and books and clothing and absent of any input from his parents he has chosen to wear lots of pink.  Okay.   Good for him.  The "consequences"?   People assume he's a girl - and the parents don't correct them.  And I believe that would all be well and good for the boy EXCEPT for the fact that when Jazz was asked if was bothered by the fact that people assume he's a girl he "nodded."

So it begs the question, "How can a child have any idea what it means to be a "boy" or a "girl" if they never "understand" how society perceives a boy or "girl?  Jazz doesn't go to a conventional school (he is "unschooled") so he doesn't have peers to emulate.  If his parents don't show him how to be seen as a "boy" how will he learn?  Don't get me wrong - I'm NOT saying to push blue trucks and sharks on the kid when he doesn't like them - I am SIMPLY asking the question.

Personally, it seems like the parents are denying that child something the child needs.   It's valid and real for a parent to want to help a child learn to define himself but are these parents sending the message that being a boy means nothing?  But the reality is that the boy is saying it means something to him.  Isn 't THAT  valid too?

But he remains without guidance; He is a ship without an oar; a boat without a rudder; a man without a penis (metaphorically speaking of course...)

I think an altogether different and unintentional lesson is being taught here.  Rather than raising individuals who are free to choose what they want - in the absence of any role modeling for either gender - these children will most likely not have the skills to become what they want.  Sure they can become "individuals."  But are the parents robbing them of the right to take their place in society?

I personally think traditional roles can be hot - for both men and women.  Mind you, I'm not saying conformity is hot - I'm saying I think GENDER is hot.  And I do believe it has a place in how we attract partners, interact with our peers and ultimately find happiness - whether with a member of the same sex or not.   It's what drives us in our search for love.  Say what you want, but in the game of love VERY few people fall in love JUST with the internal parts of a person.  Most people will agree, it's the external parts (and how they use them) that seal the deal.

I'm not judging here...Oh right, I am...

Anyway, I wonder what it will be like to date Storm in 20 years.  Will Storm be manly ? Will Storm be a really hot chick?  Could Storm be either?  And more urgently, will Storm develop an irritating penchant for referring to Storm's self in the first person?

I'm goin' with the ladder.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Office Space

My office smells like old snacks.

Apparently, this is what happens when you trade your corner office for a minivan.

I really miss the old digs: the custom-ordered swivel chair; the view down 56th Street from 40 floors up; space to “think.” And all of this guarded by an assistant who sat outside my door ready to intercept anyone who might try to enter the inner sanctum uninvited. It was luxurious, organized…peaceful.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Pregnancy Belly Art - Hilarious...and kinda cute

Pregnancy Belly Art: We’re having a ball!I found this on Babble.com.  This is too good not to share:

CLICK HERE TO SEE PREGNANCY BELLY ART

This beach ball is my personal favorite - and smart too - What great SPF!  I think the fish could have been a contender if it were just a bowl with tiny goldfish.  And maybe the underside of a starfish stuck to the side...

Have any of you ever done this?  This never would have occurred to me...

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

"Go the Fuck to Sleep" - DARN, so close...

If only I had used the term "Go the F*ck to Sleep" when I posted this last October, I'd be rich right now...


Ode to Bedtime


Bath time is now over
and it's time to go to bed
it's really very simple
all you do is lay your head...

Just put it on the pillow
snuggle down and snuggle tight
I'm turning on the music now...
and turning out the light.

What's that, you say? You need to pee?
But didn't you just go?
Oy! make it quick and wash your hands
And please don't be so slow.

No, you can't get some water
Yes, I can see you DIE of thirst.
But next time you go off to bed
you'll think of drinking first...

You've been running 'round all day long
I should know because I drive
you can't stay up till midnight
you need sleep so you can thrive.

We haven't sat, not once, all day
you must be so very tired.
next time no cookies for dessert
I see that you are wired.

Just close your eyes and go to sleep
I mean it, now, Good Night!
Don't bug your sister, stay in bed,
you're gonna start a fight.

It's really very easy,
just relax and lay your head
no you cannot do it on the floor
now get back into bed.

Here come the kisses
ready now?  I'll kiss your cheek my pup.
Don't tell me that you're nauseous
and you feel like throwing up!

I've put good dreams inside your head,
I've scared away the bad!
NO monsters in your closet
or hiding underneath your bed!

If you go to sleep RIGHT NOW!
your lunch will have a tasty snack...
Just close your eyes and think good thoughts
While I tickle your back...

I need to climb in with you?
FINE!  I'll show you how to sleep
just put your head down just like this
and you...will.....catch..........some..............Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz's.

Friday, May 13, 2011

An 8 Year Old Gets Botox. What's Next, Baby Fat Liposuction?

PHOTO: The mother of an eight year old girl is under investigation by the San Francisco Human Services Agency after they learned she had her daughter injected with Botox.I don't know if you've heard this yet, but the news is buzzing about   "pageant" mom, Kerry Campbell, who gave her 8 year old daughter botox for her "wrinkles."

Wait...it gets better.  She does the injections herself

First of all, WHAT WRINKLES?  She's 8!  Any wrinkles she may have are probably the result of embryonic slack left over from gestation. 

Thursday, May 12, 2011

How to be a MILF on Huffington Post

My first article with Huffington Post is up!  Woo Hooooooo (extra "ooo's" for extra excitement)!!!!

To read, "How to be a MILF" on The Huffington Post just CLICK HERE.

AND PLEASE DON'T FORGET...I would LOOOOVE photos of your favorite MILFS for my Milf Photo Gallery on SarahMaizes.com!  Just click on the "Share a picture of your favorite Milf" under the rotating photo gallery and I'll post them!

And finally, today on the Center for Milfology I ask the probing question..."Why is there a balloon in my shower?"

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Chick Lit Central: The Blog!: How Sarah Maizes celebrates Mother's Day...plus a book giveaway!

Melissa Amster, of "Chick Lit Central" interviewed me and asked some questions I had never thought about before. (Like who my favorite mom from a fiction book is - had to really think about it!).

PLUS, she's giving away THREE copies of "Got Milf"! Check out Chick Lit Central and (if you love chick lit the way I do...) follow her! Her blog is amazing!

Chick Lit Central: The Blog!: How Sarah Maizes celebrates Mother's Day...plus a book giveaway!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

9 Things you should never Knit!

(This post is dedicated to my blogging cohorts at CBS/LosAngeles...)

For some people, knitting is a passion.  For other's, an obsession.  For the latter group, here is a list of 9 things that should never be knitted:

#9.  Diaper
#8.  Burglar mask (too identifiable - especially with stripes or a cable stitch...)
#7.  Lightbulb warmer
#6.  Sandwich bag
#5.  Bikini (unless you excel at a "tight weave")
#4.  Thong (at least not with wool yarn...)
#3.  Bee handler outfit
#2. An oven mitt (gets too hot - I know this from experience...)
#1. A condom

Announcing SarahMaizes.com! Be a Part of the Milf Movement!

It's up!  It's up!

SarahMaizes.com is the destination for all things Sarah Maizes; my comedy videos, book info, and my latest articles from around the web (as well as highlighted articles by other writers I love...)! 

What?  You don't need more Sarah Maizes?  You've had quite enough Sarah Maizes?  That's okay...SarahMaizes.com is ALSO the home of my NEW blog "GOT MILF? THE BLOG" (a/k/a The Center for Milfology)

What will you find on Got Milf? The Blog and the Center for Milfology that you won't find at Mommy Lite?  Well, Got Milf? The Blog will be a forum for discussion of all things Milf-related.  A judgment free zone for discussing the humorous side of being a wife, an ex-wife, a mom and woman.  We'll discuss finding a passion, pursuing a dream, and maybe even just how to find the energy to roll out of bed.

In honor of the launch of SarahMaizes.com, I would like to invite ALL of you to PLEASE submit a picture of your favorite Milf (Keep it PG folks...remember real Milfs aren't porn stars...).  For example, I posted this one of my mom:

Just go to the homepage of SarahMaizes.com, click on "Submit a picture of your favorite Milf" under the rotating picture of beautiful moms in the right hand column, and I'll post my favorites! (and rotate them out so everybody gets a chance!)


WHILE YOU'RE THERE - Please enter your e-mail and subscribe!  You'll get VERY few notices (ONLY when there is something new!) and NO advertisements or SPAM.  ONLY the latest MILF news (and I promise to try to keep it funny...or at least entertaining).

So that's the "word":  New website; New blog; New forum.  The question is, "Got Milf?"  I don't...not without YOU!  So please come to SarahMaizes.com and be a part of the Milf Movement! 

Monday, May 2, 2011

Talent...And Honor

This is my niece, Alexa Maizes', hand.  She painted it herself.  She's 13...

Ironically, my sister-in-law sent this to me yesterday morning.  Before all of the breaking news about Bin Laden.  But the fact that it's an eagle seems appropriate today.

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