I'm kind of in this whole Redesign/Reconceptualize/Redefine mode for MommyLITE lately. Which is good and bad. Good, because after two years of blogging, I feel like I'm beginning to understand what I want to do here. Bad, because every time I redesign my template I lose ALL of my analytics!!! ARGH!
Anyway, I'm thinking Thursdays are a good day for what I'm calling "Thoughtful Thursdays."
"Thoughtful Thursdays" will be posts (or re-postings) of stories that are special to me. Not just jokes, or observations - but those rare and random stories I was compelled to write because my kids really touched me or took my by surprise.
The below story was one of these.
You may or may not know this, but I've had a long road with Livi. We've been in OCD, depression and anxiety therapy at UCLA through their clinic for over a year and we're just not making any progress. They won't change (or take her off) her medication, they don't return calls, and they basically just sit around in a room with her and ask her about her feelings. I'm at the end of my rope. And I gotta tell ya...I think she is too.
Tomorrow I go in for a preliminary meeting with a developmental pediatrician - the same woman who diagnosed Izzy. We're going to talk about the kind testing she can do and hopefully she'll help me find some real solutions. Needless to say, my Livi is weighing heavily on my mind right now and is my inspiration for today's "Thoughtful Thursday."
I'm hoping her new doctor will be able help her have more moments like this (maybe without all the tears though...).
For The Love of a Sloth (a/k/a "Tears of Joy")
(Originally posted 2/7/2011)
Livi cried today. But not for the usual reasons. I gave her a Sloth. A stuffed, two-toed Sloth.
If you ask Livi her favorite animal, she'll tell you. First, it's a monkey. Then...a Sloth.
She's no ordinary girl. That's for sure.
So today when I came across the Sloth stuffed animal I HAD to get it for her. I'd never even SEEN a Sloth stuffed animal. Who even knew they MADE a stuffed Sloth?
I've been having a hard time with Livi. For YEARS I've been having a hard time with Livi! I can't tell you when it started. I remember this juicy, strong-willed ball of tastiness I used to call my "party favor" and couldn't even begin to tell you where it began to fly off-course. Maybe after the divorce? Maybe before? All I know is that the past few years, every day is a battle. Every night is a trial. Whining, screaming, frustration that bubbles up in the form of "tics" and leaves her touching objects over and over and talking to herself. It's been horrible. Sometimes we get these fabulous glimpses of the girl trapped inside, but these can be rare and few between.
When I picked her up from day camp I said "I have a treat for you in the car. It's special for sleepaway camp (she and Ben are going to mini sleepaway camp for 3 days) but I think you can have it now."
"I can??! Can I open it now? What is it?"
"You'll have to wait and see." She skipped behind me all the way to the car.
I took it out of the bag and held it behind my back.
I said "Okay, Livi. I hope I did this right. But once you told me your TWO favorite animals. Do you remember what they are? Do you remember what you told me?"
"Yeah? And a..."
"...and a..." she seemed unsure..."a seal?"
I thought. Crap. She didn't really give a shit about Sloths. She had just said it to be "interesting." Livi likes to say things to be "interesting." Then she tells you later she didn't really mean it. This was going to be one of those times...just watch...
"Okay? Anything else that starts with an "S"?"
I took the little stuffed Sloth and danced it around in front of her eyes.
They sparkled and her eyes lit up like I had NEVER seen.
"You got me A SLLOOOOOOOOOOOTTTH!!!!!" Tears burst from her eyes and she started wailing. She put her arms around me and was seriously heaving while she was crying. She hugged me with one arm and clung to the Sloth with the other. She buried her wet face in my pants legs..
I don't think I've ever experienced this kind of reaction from her. Feeling like I had 1000% done the right thing.
And in that moment, through her happy tears, I "saw" her.
I felt her frustration through her relief. I could feel how she was exhausted from reaching out to me - hoping to show me just who "Livi" was. Hoping I'd hear her. And the Sloth was evidence that I had. I felt her barriers momentarily melt away. I felt how relieved she was to feel understood. How happy she was to feel loved. How I had truly pleased her to her very core. The gift of the Sloth had touched her soul.
Giving her this Sloth was obviously the most important and wonderful thing I could have ever done for her.
I know that the next time I give her something, I am sure I won't get this reaction. And that's okay.
But I hope she'll remember the day I gave her a Sloth. I always will.
(NOTE: This past summer Livi was diagnosed with the early stages of an anxiety disorder - OCD - or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. She's getting help and doing well. Sloth is still her favorite stuffed animal...)