Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Fish Funeral

It was only a matter of time.

R.I.P., Rocket, and watch your head on that root in the main line.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Today I am Officially a Children's Book Author!

I am VERY, VERY, VERY excited to announce that ON MY WAY TO THE BATH IS OFFICIALLY ON SALE TODAY!!!!  (I've been waiting for this day for a year and a half!)

" kid's book...great." you think.  And I understand your hesitation.  After all, who wants to read another crappy kids book.  Well, here are just a few of the reviews:

"The precocious, emphatic narration (“I slither off the sofa. I am a snake. I slink, I slide”) and escalating back-and-forth between Livi and her mother will enliven any read-aloud." - Publishers Weekly

Livi may be small, but she knows what she wants, and her determination is to be admired, especially when her real-life skills don’t quite measure up to those of the Livi in her imagination.
- Kirkus Reviews (That's a big trade publication)

This is sure to be a crowd-pleaser in story times, classrooms, and laps everywhere.
- School Library Journal

Even Daily Candy chose it as one of their Top 20 Summer Reading picks!

And if you want a sneak peek, here is the book trailer created by my brilliant illustrator, and friend, Michael Paraskevas:

So buy your copy today! And spread the word if you like what you see!!!  I put a link below to make it oh so easy.  :)

Okay, I'm off to make the rounds of ALL the kids book stores in town and point out my book - like an idiot - to every unsuspecting person I can find!  Wish me luck (and that I don't get arrested!)

xo, Sarah

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Have a Happier Milf's Day with a Gold 'Milf' Necklace!

In honor of Mother's Day, I am very excited to be giving away a 18 karat gold vermeil Jessica Elliot 'Milf' necklace - from her uber popular "Use Your Words" collection (Value: $85) - to one lucky Milf...or "FOM" (Friend O' Milf).

To be entered to win, just do the following:

#1: Subscribe to Mommy LITE by entering your email in the "Subscribe to Mommy LITE" box in the RIGHT HAND COLUMN! (I'll get your address from there to tell you if you've won!)

#2: THEN, go to my Mommy LITE Facebook page and leave a comment telling everyone what you adore most about your favorite Milf!  Just CLICK HERE!

#3:  Cross your fingers and hope you win this necklace - because it is SO friggin' cute!  I get a GAZILLION compliments on mine!

On Mother's Day I will announce the lucky winner, chosen at random!

AND DON'T FORGET!!!   "Got Milf?  The Modern Mom's Guide to Feeling Fabulous, Looking Great and Rocking a Minivan" makes A GREAT MOTHER'S DAY GIFT!!!!!


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

The Real Zombieland

Mother's Day is coming this Sunday - or as I call it, "Let's-show-Mom-we-love-her-by-destroying-the-kitchen-and-force-feeding-her-cereal-in-bed-at-5am-Day."

 I'm not looking forward to it.  Why?   Because I know I'm going to be woken at at the crack of dawn, served food I don't want to eat while they watch me consume every burnt morsel before forcing me out of bed to do something "fun" like take them to the mall so they can beg for video games and new shoes in honor of MY day.  Yeah.  Fun.   That's what I call it.

So in honor of all the other moms out there who feel my pain, I'm sharing one of my favorite posts about motherhood and pose to you the question - "Will I ever sleep again?"

"Dawn of the Totally Exhausted"

Last night I didn't sleep at all. Not the kind of "not at all" where you really sleep for a least a couple of hours and then exaggerate it to "not at all" to make a point.

No, I didn't sleep AT ALL. Not until 5:00am this morning when sounds of dawn on the mountain crept in through my window. Birds taunted me that they were so well rested they were ready to go grab themselves a worm. I was hating those birds.

I don't know why suddenly I can't sleep. I LOVE sleep! I am the QUEEN of sleep! Of course, it occurs to me that I've spent SO much time sleeping and napping that perhaps I've used up the sleep time that has been allotted to me in my lifetime and now I'm doomed to nights of laying in bed staring at the ceiling.

I tried to coerce sleep out of my bed by shifting positions over and over in hopes of unlocking the pose that will bring it. Like a complicated lock on an Egyptian tomb you'd see in the movies, I was convinced that one particular contorted shape would be the "key" to opening the doorway of slumber. I twisted, I turned, I stretched, I flipped my pillow over and over trying to enjoy the coolness of a fresh side before it warmed up again. I still couldn’t unlock the door to dreamland.

FINALLY, as I started to drift off I was awoken by rumblings. They were coming from the other room and they were a sign that one of the kids was awake.

"Mommy? I think I had an accident."

NOOoooooo!!!!! I was just falling asleep!!!!!

I rolled out of bed to check hers, which is completely dry. We changed underwear because she wanted to and I put her back in bed. I tried for sleep again.

Five minutes later...

"Mommy? I'm not sure, but I think I had an accident before because I drank water at dinner."

She's waking me up to tell me this??! Doesn't she know it's 5:00 in the morning??? I have GOT to teach her to tell time.


She returned to her room. I heard her wimpering.

So, I got up AGAIN.

"WHY are you crying?" I tried to sound caring.

"I just wanted to be honest."

"I know. I'm sorry I yelled. Mommy is just SOOOO tired." I kissed her. "PLEASE go to sleep."

She calmed down and closed her eyes. Luckily, sleep seemed ready for me again. And I climbed back into bed and drifted off......

"MMMMOOOOOOOOOOMY! " My son was standing right next to my head but he screamed it anyway.

I was jolted upright like a scared cat. If there had been a rafter in my room, I would have been wrapped around it.

"I HAD A BAD DREAM!!!"""' He was yelling like it was my fault.

This was insane! This is like some kind of relentless torture that eventually breaks you down till you have no defenses at all and are willing to do whatever is asked of you. Including share a bed with a boy who expands to 3 times his natural size...and snores.

I opened the covers to the other side of my bed and mumbled, "Get in...but BE QUIET…PLEASE!”

I know I wasn't being very friendly, warm or nurturing. But it was 5 in the morning and I had been awake all night. I was convinced I’d never sleep again.

He fell asleep. And finally, so did I. Till my alarm went off 2 hours later.

Now I’m a Zombie. I can’t focus, I use grunting sounds as verbal responses and I may have drooled on my steering wheel as I drove the kids to school. Frankly, I don't know how Zombies have the energy to chase people around and eat their brains. All I want is to crawl back into my bed and be left alone.

Once a mother has successfully made it through the sleepless nights of infancy shouldn’t she be entitled to some quality, uninterrupted sleep?

Then it dawns on me, Zombie’s aren’t the undead at all. They’re just a bunch of mothers who haven’t showered, eaten a decent meal, or had a full night’s sleep in years.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Welcome, Reginald II

We got a new hamster on Saturday.  His name is Reggie.

Well, actually FIRST we got a new hamster on Thursday, which Ben named Reggie.  But then it bit Ben.  So we RETURNED that hamster and got another...whom Ben also named Reggie.

I realize that returning a hamster for being pissed off that you poked at it while it was sleeping is unfair.  I, myself, consider drawing blood when somebody wakes me from my lovely slumber.

I also realize that in doing so, I am basically teaching my son that the responsibility of pet ownership is one that CAN be taken lightly.  Not was I was aiming for.   But I couldn't help but feel that Ben and the hamster got off to a bad start - what with the biting and all - and that it might affect Ben's ability to bond with the rodent (and vice versa).  So I thought it was best to start over fresh with another hamster.  And in our defense, that hamster did have 'crazy eyes.' 

I won't lie, I am not entirely sure Ben is up to the task of pet ownership.  There is something about the energy Ben gives off that just make animals mad.  And it's weird too, because he's the sweetest boy you've ever meet.  He's been pecked by a turkey, butted by a goat in the petting zoo, and hit in the face by a dog.  That's right...the dog hit the face...resulting in 25 stitches.  (It's a long story...)

I think they instinctively sense that he's really clumsy and it makes them nervous. Very nervous.  They rebel, they butt, they kick, they peck, they jump and they bite.   The guinea pigs hear him clomping down the hall and flee into the safety of their plastic igloo.  He's kinda like Damian in "The Omen" during the monkey house scene - only without all the evil.   They just sense his energy and go into defense mode. 

I can relate - I go into defense mode too when I'm with him.  I am ALWAYS warning him to watch out for doorways that suddenly jump out, I fly out of his way when he runs by and I have to put my hand on his head when I kiss him goodnight because he's likely to pop up and knock out my tooth.  It's beyond his control.

But he really wanted the hamster.  REALLY, REEEEAAAAALLLLY wanted a hamster and he has waited patiently for over a year (I thought it would pass...oh well).  So I gave in for his 9th birthday.
 So now we have a hamster, named Reggie.

Good luck, Reggie. 

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