Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Friday, June 15, 2012

My Evil Nemesis Has Gone Too Far

I have an enemy and he just crossed the line.

There is this really fat squirrel who lives in the bushes outside my house and we've been at odds since last year's fig harvest.

My fat furry 'friend' has a penchant for fresh figs and last fall when our Black Mission Figs ripened on our fig tree it became a daily fight to see who would get the juiciest figs.

What really annoyed me is, he's discerning.  He wouldn't just grab any fig from the tree.  No.  He would wait it out.  Watch them ripen.  Both of us, waiting for JUST the right moment for picking.  I might leave a fig overnight thinking "it just needs one more day to be perfect" and then find it plucked from the tree the next day.  It's half-eaten figgy carcass left on the wall of the stairway, taunting me.

Occasionally, I would get to the fig first.  And I could see him.  Sitting on his fat furry ass on the wall of our stairway outside - giving me the evil eye.

Everyday of fig season was like this.   And I was REALLY pissed. 

I considered running him over with my car.

Well, the summer figs have come in (they are the harvest before the good ones in the fall) and he's trying to gorge himself.  Testing them for ripeness.  Trying to get to them before I do.   Unfortunately, because they're not very good he leaves the partially 'tasted' figs all over the stairway.  He's clearly, plucking, sniffing, and scoffing.  Littering the stairway to my home with rejected figs.  Reminding me, "it's ON!"

But yesterday, Ben slipped on a fig and fell down the stairs.  Luckily, he's fine.  But seriously, this battle has escalated - he's taking out my family members.

Now it's war.

He'd better watch out, cuz I have a full tank of gas.

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