Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Saturday, September 22, 2012

A Shiny Vagina

(TMI ALERT!!!...You know, in case you didn't get that from the title.  TURN BACK NOW if you don't like to talk 'vaginas').

It's been a while since I've had a bikini wax.

Not like a "few weeks" kind of 'while' - more like a "few seasons."  Okay, I'm exaggerating, but my point is you need a GPS to find anything down there.

Last night this was dinner conversation for me and my boyfriend at one of our favorite Italian restaurants.  Over torta della nonna - AMAZING torta della nonna - I shared "I need a wax."  As if he wasn't already aware of this fact.

No response. 

"You think so too, obviously."

He looked up from cake. "I didn't say anything."

"I know.  That's how I know you think so."

"I didn't SAY a word!"  He'd deny it, but I totally saw a smirk.

"I know you prefer it when I have a shiny vagina.  I'll go tomorrow.  It's okay.  You can say it."

He put down his fork. (Wouldn't you?) "Say what?  I didn't say anything."

I ignored his false protests.  "Why can't I just let it all go.  And none of this 'landing strip' stuff either.  What if I just went all 'native'?  You know, it would be like landing a plane in the Amazon forest."


"Come on.  It could be so retro!"

"I thought you liked to get bikini waxes?"

"What?!  NO!  Would you like hot wax poured on your balls and ripped off?"

"Well no.  Not when you put it like that."

"What do you think happens in there?  Do you picture some hot Eastern European woman lovingly slathering wax on my privates while a small grouping of angels delicately pat then lift the congealing wax from my netherlands resulting is a lovely shiny vagina that sparkles in the sunlight.  Little 'tings' of light glittering here and there like bright clean teeth in a toothpaste ad?"

"That sounds nice."

"Well it's not."

"Okay...Then don't do it."

"What?!  EW!  I have to!!  I'm creeping out of my swimsuit."

The couple at the table next to us looked over.  And squirmed.

"Okay.  Enough."

"Just saying.  It just sucks that as women it's ONE MORE thing we need to do.  Don't men know we're busy?"

"I don't know what you want me to say here."

"Just admit you like nicely-kept vagina.  Not all hairy."

"Uh.  Okay."

"That's all I'm sayin'.  You eating your dessert?"

"It's all yours."

And that ladies, is how you get the torta della nonna all to yourself.

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