Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Monday, September 24, 2012

School Lockers: The New Design Frontier

This year my 4th graders got lockers.

If you have kids who don’t have lockers yet, you know this is a really big deal. 

Thanks to Nickelodeon and Disney Channel, my kids have spent hundreds (thousands?) of hours watching good-looking teens and their fascinating lives unfold against a backdrop of these mysterious, stacked metal cubicles.  They’re not just ‘lockers,’ they’re totems of maturity.  A sign that your fascinating life is about to begin!

Livi was so excited.  “I can’t wait to decorate it!”

“You mean pick out a combination lock?  Sure!  You can have any color you want.  Would you like green?  I know you love green.”

“No.  Decorate it!  With wallpaper, and a lamp, and a carpet…”

WTF?  Excuse me?  We’re talking about your locker, right?” 

Welcome to "Better Schools and Lockers."
Forget the whiteboard and matching magnets.  Kids are pimping out their lockers (I smell a TLC show, "Pimp My Locker!") and there’s a whole new generation of décor available; chandeliers, shag rugs and matching vanity sets that transform your locker from a dumping ground for heavy books and old lunches into a “Hallway Haven.”

It's insane.  Some of these lockers could grace the pages of Elle Decor.
I mean, is this really necessary?  Wallpaper?  Lighting fixtures?  And this stuff ain’t cheap.  The chandelier was $25.  Sure it lit up, but unless I can find tiny Barbie sized chandelier bulbs at Target I’m pretty sure once that sucker goes out it’ll cost me another fortune.

My friends and I imagine how we'd outfit our lockers.  One friend suggested a miniature DJ booth in hers and a disco ball so that every time your locker door opens, it's like a party in there; I think mine might be more like a spa outfitted in teak wood and smelling of eucalyptus.  You lift the finger latch and are caressed with the sounds of ocean waves, chirping birds and wood instruments; Kind of like at the gym...but without the old sneaker smell.

I'm okay with a little self-expression, but I can't help wondering what's next (and how much it's going to cost me); battery powered mini-fridges; tiny minibars, little velvet ropes to put around your math book?  How much decorated personal space does a kid need?

On second thought, maybe if I buy her that shag carpet she so desperately wants, she'll stop nagging me about getting her own room.

(Livi's locker. )

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