Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Friday, October 26, 2012

'Girl's Night Out' Results In Jeff Goldblum Encounter...

I love Jeff Goldblum.

The kind of love that Ryan Reynolds elicits from the 20-something crowd.

Maybe it's because he's tall and sexy and always plays such incredibly brilliant characters.  What Jewish girl wouldn't swoon for a tall sexy man who can so aptly spew James Glick's theory of chaos?  In fact, one could say I married my ex husband because of Jeff Goldblum.  He's tall and smart.  But ultimately, he fell short of Jeff Goldblum and had to go.  Sure there were other reasons the marriage didn't work, but I prefer to look at it like this.

So last month when a girlfriend and I were out for drinks at The BLVD (by the way - GREAT place for drinks and dinner if you're in LA.  Nice crowd it's not too loud and the drinks and snacks are spectacular.)  I got a very nice surprise.

My girlfriend comes back from the bathroom and says "I just saw Jeff Goldblum."


"In the bathroom.  Well, not in the bathroom, outside of the bathroom, walking into the men's room."

"Oh MY GOD! REALLY????!!  I LOVE HIM!  Be right back..."  I dashed to the bathroom area and stood around look aloof.  "Just a girl....standing outside the bathroom...checking her email.  Nothing going on here...." was my modus operendi.  Thank God for smart phones or I'd have looked like a stalker.

I'm not sure exactly what I thought was going to happen.  I knew I wanted to see what he looked like in person and to confirm he was worthy of my fan lust.  Maybe I thought he'd be so intrigued by this tall, aloof woman who hangs out near bathrooms that he'd ask to join me and my friend for a drink.  Of course, he'd find me fascinating and we'd become close friends.  Perhaps he and I would talk story and characters until dawn and then he'd make Jeff Goldblum love to me.  Scott should be cool with it of course.  I mean, he is Jeff Goldblum.   So I continued to hang around outside the bathroom.  But he was nowhere to be seen.  Darn.  No Jeff Goldblum.  I waited a little longer.

After writing several pretend emails I went back to the table, dejected.

"I didn't see him."

"Sorry.  I had no idea you liked Jeff Goldblum so much."

"Correction.  Love Jeff Goldblum so much."

"Even in The Fly?  He was like half insect.  Ew."

"Well, not AS the fly.  But he was good in the movie.  And sexy in the beginning."

"I can see that."

The next day she called and said "Guess what?!  I just got tickets for "Seminar" with Jeff Goldblum!  Come with me??!

"REALLY???!!  I'D LOVE to!!!!"  Now that's a good friend.

So last night we went to see Jeff Goldblum in Seminar.

I planned my outfit carefully.  I wore high platform heels so that if Jeff Goldblum saw me standing around the Mark Taper theatre he'd notice how tall and spectacular I am.  Okay, he'd notice I'm tall.  I wasn't sure exactly how Jeff Goldblum would notice me - but I wanted to be ready if it happened.  I even wore a little mascara and touched up my lips - you know - cause I thought Jeff Goldblum would like it.  My boyfriend was amused.

"You don't care if I have sex with Jeff Goldblum, right?"

"No, Honey.  You go ahead and have sex with Jeff Goldblum."

"Thanks!"  I gave him a kiss on his head and he smirked at me as I left the house giddy like a teenage girl on her first date.

Well, the show was fantastic.  And of course, Jeff Goldblum was fantastic.  And the fact that he played a tortured, sex-hungry writing teacher only fueled my fantasies.  So he didn't notice me in the audience and our eyes never met.  So he'd never know how intriguing I am.  At least I got to see him perform live.  That was enough to fuel my future fantasies.

My friends indulged me after the show and we walked around to the stage door so see if we could see him.

When he came out he smiled at me.  A big toothy smile.  I think I smiled ear to ear.  I might have blushed.  Yeah.  We had a moment - not that he had a choice but to have "a moment" with me since I was like 6'1" in my shoes and practically in his face.

He said "Hi!"  I melted.

"Hi.  Um, can I take a picture with you?"

"OF COURSE!!!!  Come here!"  I stiffly stood next to him, respecting his personal bubble and he pulled me in closer holding my waist.  Yummy!  He was adorable.  And he smelled good.  Poor Scott.

"You were really great in the show.  We loved it."

"Thank you!  I'm so glad you liked it!  Here let's get one like this."  And he put his face next to mine.  If he only knew how much I adored him, he might have been very afraid to do this.  I was grateful I looked like a normal person on the outside.

My friend said "We actually saw you at The BLVD a few weeks ago."

"The BLVD? Where's that?"

"In the Beverly Wilshire in Beverly Hills?"

"Hmm...I don't think that was me."

Then my friend said "Oh.  Oh well."

Way to insult Jeff Goldblum.

He politely took a few more pictures with us, shook my hand and gave me a little eye contact that I like to interpret as "I would fall instantly for you - you tall, fascinating stranger - but I bet you already have a great man in your life and I don't want to get in the way."  Yes.  That's precisely what he was saying.

Then Jeff Goldblum got into his car and went home.  Leaving me behind.  Oh well.

So I dedicate this post to Jeff Goldblum and thank him, wherever he is for a great show.  You are as sexy, smart and adorable as I imagined.

And if you ever want to get those drinks...
Me and Jeff Goldblum, planning our future together...

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