Finding the funny in parenthood before somebody loses an eye...

Thursday, May 9, 2013

How To Embarrass Your Children - Cat Calls and Other Things Sure to Scar Them

My son is "scarred for life."

It's my own fault really.  I should have never yelled out "Sexy Mama!!" to that lady with him in the passenger seat.

It was an honest mistake.

Here I was, minding my own business driving my children to school, early in the morning, pre-coffee, like a good normal mother, when we approached a very busy intersection just outside of the Beverly Hilton.  Two lovely ladies crossed our paths in head to toe in the latest Lulu Lemon (the standard in "exercise/brisk walk" chic here in Beverly Hills) and huge Chloe sunglasses.

I could have sworn one was my friend, Sandra.

So, coffee-free, glasses-free and still foggy I pulled up into the crosswalk next to her, rolled down my passenger side window and called out "HEY SEXY MAMA!"

She turned.  And I realized - as she lifted her massive frames and tried to discern how the hell she knew this weirdo (her friend obviously judging me as well...) - that I had no idea who this person was.

What made it worse, my poor son was sitting in the front seat, in the open window, right next to her.  He slunk down into under the dashboard.  Mortified.  I think he tried to get under the floor mat.

 "SORRY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND, SANDRA!" I yelled out the window to her.  She seemed shaken.  "NOT THAT YOU'RE NOT SEXY!!  I JUST..."  Saved by the green light that allowed us to move on, I shouted one last "SORRY!" and waved at the ladies.


Livi, of course, was equally horrified.  "MOM!  THAT'S SO INAPPROPRIATE!!!  You called a total stranger SEXY!!!"

Indeed.  I had.  Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.  I should keep my mouth shut in the morning until I've had my coffee.

"I'm telling ALL of my friends!" Livi said, pleased she had a "morning announcement" for the school yard.

I decided it was an opportunity to show my kids how to overcome embarrassment.  "It's fine!  She's probably totally flattered."

"Wow, Mom...That was bad."  Was all Ben could muster.  But he'll survive.  Right?

So it wasn't a shining, well-thought-out moment in motherhood.  I was definitely not setting an example for proper "decorum."

But if Ben ever gets a job as a construction worker, he'll totally be ready.

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